Some things are better left unsaid
by Keydieh Hurst
Summary: In the worst of times, when Sully and Michaela struglle in their marriage, Michaela disappears. No wonder that the town's citizens start to spread rumours. But what did really happen? And how will the Dr.'s family take the news? Find out what happens
1. Chapter 1 The Fight

Some things are better left unsaid

**Chapter I – The Fight**_ Date: **Monday, February 28 ff, 1872**_

"Ma?" Katie asked for the third time now. Sully was asking himself where she was.

"She'll be here in no time, sweetheart, don't worry!" But he worried.

"Why don't we get you upstairs and ready for bed? Ma'll surely be here by the time you are ready."

Katie watched him with her big eyes and smiled, by the time Sully returned to the kitchen, Michaela came running in through the front door.

"I'm sorry, Sully, I simply forgot the time. I was so occupied I didn't even noticed it had gotten dark."

She really seemed sorry, so Sully decided not to blame her further, but to greet her with a kiss. When he reached out to her she turned around to the kitchen.

"Is there any supper left for me? I'm starving." Sully tried not to show his disappointment, there would be time later at night, when he would have her full attention.

"Yeah, I saved it from the children. I'll reheat it for you."

"Thank you. I'll go upstairs and wash myself."

"That was delicious, how do I deserve you?"

"You don't. I deserve you." Sully cleaned the kitchen while Michaela tidied up her medical supplies.

"Ready to go upstairs?" Sully hold out his hand to his wife, hoping she wouldn't be too tired for some holding.

"Yes, it's rather late." Michaela yawned as she took her husband's hand and followed him upstairs. Arriving in the master bedroom she sat down on the bed and watched Sully undress. At first he thought she would like him to help her undress, but when he was ready and turned around to her she was already sound asleep. He sighed, his hope for some loving this night gone. He kneeled down in front of her and started to unbutton her blouse, all the time she did not stir. When he reached her camisole and took it off her he could not resist letting his hand linger on her breasts. He caressed them and kissed Michaela softly on her lips. She stirred somewhat and lay her hand on his on her chest and murmured low. "Love you..." and then went back to sleep. Sully sighed anew and finished his task, then laid down beside her and took her in his arms holding her tight all the night.

"Hey Brian, where's your Ma?" Sully came down the stairs as he saw Brian sitting in the kitchen all on his own.

"She's already off in town. Seemed kinda in a hurry."

"Yeah, I see." Sully was disappointed having hoped to catch her before she went to town.

She almost seemed to flee from him. Just then he made the decision to visit her today at the clinic.

When Sully rounded the corner of the clinic, he saw Michaela come out the new doc following close behind. They seemed rather happy and laughed all the way to Grace's café. Sully stood there debating with himself whether to interrupt them or not. Then he turned around and left. But as he did so he bumped right into Dorothy. "Hey, slow down. What's the hurry?" "Oh…uh…I just…uhm…" Dorothy looked over his shoulder in the direction from where he came, there she saw Michaela sitting with that new doc. "Yeah, I see…What's going on between you two, huh?" "I don't know for myself. She seems to run from me, she always comes home lately and even then she is too tired to notice that we're all missing her. I don't know why she does that. I thought things have settled down some at the clinic. Even Kathy has noticed that her mom isn't around that much lately. I dunno what to do, every time I try to talk to her, she's either not in the right mood or not at home." Dorothy saw him directly into his eyes, noticing the hurt there. "Oh, Sully, she was never one knowing really what she's doing with her behaviour. Hold on, it will get better, try to talk to her, maybe woo her again a little bit, just like you did after Katie was born. It helped back then, didn't it?" "Yeah, sure, but I don't know if it'll help this time. Actually, she even forgot our lunch today." Again Dorothy watched the two at the café, sensing that there was more to Sully's words then he let on. She smiled at him knowingly, "You're jealous, aren't you?" He too gazed into the direction of the café now, muttering under his breath, "How couldn't I, she's actually spending more time with them new doc, than with her family."

Dorothy slapped him on his shoulder, "Knowing you two, I'd bet you'll work things out, no worry." Then turned around and went back to the gazette. "Yeah, I think I should do that." He murmured to himself while heading to the clinic and sitting down on the bench there.

"Yeah I bet you'll do that…"

Michaela stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner and saw Sully sitting there on the bench. She smiled at him, but when she saw his expression the smile abruptly disappeared. She had been laughing and enjoying the day and the warm weather but at Sully's face she assumed that something must have happened to Katie or one of the other children. She turned around to the doc.

"Hey Sam, could you wait inside. I'll be there in one minute."

"Sure, Michaela."

"Thanks." She nodded smiling then turned her attention to Sully ones more.

"Sully, what is it?"

Sully had been staring to the ground, but now he glared at her. He didn't say a single word, just glared at her.

"Sully?"

"Did you enjoy your lunch, Michaela?"

She refused to answer his question, sensing that there was more behind it than he showed.

"Sully? What's going on here?"

"Couldn't I ask the same question?"

He really seemed angry and Michaela was not willing to talk to him in that mood, especially not in public.

"Could we please go inside and talk?"

"There's not much to talk about now. Will you make it home for supper tonight?"

She did not understand his behaviour; she didn't remember having done something wrong.

"Yeah, I guess."

With that Sully left, without a kiss or a goodbye. Shaking her head she entered the clinic. Just as she was entering the clinic Sully turned around and saw that doc, Sam, saying something to her, making her laugh, and closing the door behind her. He felt a wave of anger and rushed past everyone in his way, just wishing to get home.

"And, may I ask, since when he is calling you "Michaela"?" Sully's anger was rising by the second, but he wasn't going to leave until she explained herself to him. This was his family and he wouldn't let anything, and most of all not that doc, destroy it. Michaela, on the other hand, was confused. Sully'd never been one to mistrust her.

"I do not owe you any explanation for why he's calling me "Michaela", since you may remember that IS my name, Byron Sully!" she too was angry, but for her the reason was not clear. Why was he making a scene of something so unimportant? Even Preston did call her by her first name. Surely, Sully didn't like it, but neither said anything about it.

"And why, the hell, is everybody else calling you just "Dr. Mike"?

"Not everybody…"

"We are married, Michaela."

That's it, she thought. He was jealous. But why?

"What's the matter, Sully? Why are we really arguing now?" she asked, almost pleaded.

He took a deep breath, willing to calm his racing heart and temper before answering, but when he looked into her eyes he just couldn't say the words, his lips just wouldn't form them. So he just turned around and said, "I think you better go to bed now…" he did not dare to face her, as he felt his soul falling to pieces, right there, in front of the woman he love more than life itself, the woman, he thought, who didn't even knew, how much he loved her and how much he hurt.

"But aren't you…?"

"I think we better do not share a bed tonight." He interrupted her, knowing that if she asked him to join her he wouldn't be able to refuse.

"Why?" she simply asked.

"Why? How can you ask me that Michaela?"

She watched him for some time until she noticed that she was shaking. She looked down at her hands and saw them trembling, knowing that it wasn't the cold that caused her to shiver but the rising fear. She suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to apologize but she didn't know what for. She wanted to reach out to him and had already lifted her hand to do so when she pondered it again. She didn't remember having done something wrong and as long as he didn't explain why he was so angry at her she wouldn't give in and apologize for something she hadn't done. So she just turned around and started to climb the steps. Reaching the door to their bedroom she felt the tears coming so she hurried knowing she wouldn't be able to hold them back. Once being inside she let them fall onto her pale cheeks without wiping them off. When she changed into her nightgown and slid under the cold, lonely sheets she shook violently with fear and pain until she had cried herself to sleep.

Sully sat long in the dark of the living room after the fire had died down. He did not feel up to stroke it again so he just watched it dying noticing how the upcoming chill in the house matched the cold inside his own body. He was deadly tired and knew he should catch up on some sleep before he had to get up again but he was afraid to close his eyes frightened to have to endure the terrible pain and hurt again and again…

He didn't hear his wives crying nor felt his own tears falling down.

"Mama"

Slowly, the soft voice started to penetrate her mind pulling at it drawing it into consciousness. She hovered in the state between sleep and consciousness and enjoyed it. She did not want to wake up but knew that she should and tend to her daughter.

"MAMA"

There it was again this time more demanding not letting her decide whether to get up or not. So she sat up put on her slippers and made her way over to the crib. Not much longer, she thought, and they would have to move the little girl into her own room. The small room for "whoever comes along". She smiled at the memory. How fast time went by…

She looked down at her daughter wailing her arms, smiling when she saw her mother's face appear in her view. She took the girl into her arms and carried her down into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Reaching the bottom of the steps she was distracted by something in the living room. There was her husband sitting hunched in one of the chairs in front of the fire place. Michaela placed the little girl in her high chair and silently walked over to her husband. She took a blanket and started to drape it over him when she noticed his tear strained cheeks. She reached out and stroked softly his face. He seemed so peaceful when sleeping. She hoped he had got enough sleep but the still wet traces on his cheeks told her otherwise. She sighed and returned to the girl waiting for her to be fed. Michaela watched Sully from the corner of her eyes while feeding Katie waiting for any sign that he's waking up. By the time Katie and she were ready to go into town, she was deeply disappointed, that he hadn't woken up, but she had no choice but to leave. One last time glancing back at him she opened the door and stepped out.

Sully felt the blanket being draped over him and the gently movement of his wife's fingers on his face. But he did not dare to open his eyes, fearing they might start another argument. He wasn't willing to start the day that way. So just lay still and pretended to be asleep until his wife and daughter had left the house for work. Then he got up and prepared himself for the day, which he knew would be a long and exhausting one.

"Brian"

"Yeah Pa?"

"If your ma's asking, I'm checking my traps, okay?"

"Okay Pa, see ya…"

"Bye"

Sully had made up his mind by the time he was ready to go into town. He couldn't explain why they couldn't speak openly about what was bothering the two of them, especially him. Truth to be known, he really was in a good mood and didn't even want to think that his plan might not work. It just had to. God, they were married, there had to be a way to solve their problems without arguing! Before he even noticed he was in town and stopped in front of the clinic. But he turned his back to the door refusing to knock just in time to see the old Mrs Callahan observing him carefully. Everyone in and outside of town knew that she knew everything that was going on and didn't bother to keep it a secret.

"The two doctors weren't in today, no need to guess why…" Sully just glared at her but spun around and took off on his horse as fast as he could.

"Where have you been today?" Sully demanded as soon as Michaela walked through the front door that late afternoon. She looked at him and noticed how he glared at her. His look was even more angrier than the evening before.

"I had work to do, and that's no way you are talking to me, Sully. I'm your wife, not your servant or what else you think right now I am."

"I'm talking to you the way I want. Where have you been? Were you with that new doc?"

She wasn't angry now, she was furious. There was no way, she would let him talk to her in that manner without consequences.

"If you must know, yes, I was with Dr. Lloyd. He's my colleague, if you remember."

"I thought you were calling him Sam." Sully yelled

"Yeah, I am." She replied.

"You're very smitten with him, don't you. And you spend more time with him than you do actually with me."

She started to feel guilty. He was right, she was neglecting him, but that didn't give him the right to boss her around.

"I like him. And yes, I spend time with him, one the one hand, 'cause he's my colleague and on the other hand it's easier to spend time with him than with you. The only thing you do is yelling at me and bossing me around. What do you expect me to do?" she wanted to know from him, silently hoping that he would come to his senses at last. But what she had to hear made her gasp.

"Did you sleep with him?" Sully asked into the silence, his voice not louder than a mere whisper.

Michaela was shocked. She couldn't believe her ears. Did he really ask that question.

"How dare you…" she said storming out into the barn.

Sully only watched her getting on her horse and riding fast toward town, before he realized what he just said. He didn't want to say that, but all the chattering in town had made him wondering what there really was between the two of them. He didn't think she had slept with him, he knew she didn't. But he couldn't help himself from asking when his fear of losing her and is anger for neglecting her family got to the surface.

Matthew came storming in waking Brian with the crash of the door and his yells.

"Dr. Mike!"

Brian ran downstairs when he heard his elder brother.

"Matthew, what's up? Ma's not at home, she's still at the clinic."

"No she isn't, there was an accident in town. Where's Sully, we need some help and maybe he can explain where Dr. Mike is?"

"Dunno. He said I should tell Ma he wouldn't make it back home tonight, but Ma never came home."

"Okay don't worry little brother. I'll go searching for Sully and you stay calm here and care for Katie!"

Brian just nodded worried for his mother.

"Sully, what are you doing here?"

Matthew neared Sully fast on his horse. He wondered what he did in one of his old lean-toes.

"Hey Matthew, what's up?"

Sully didn't want to tell his eldest son of the problems in his marriage.

"There's an accident and we're searching Dr. Mike but she ain't at the homestead. I thought perhaps she would be with you."

"No she ain't with me." Sully answered fear creeping up his spine. Where was she?

"Are Katie and Brian at home?"

"Yeah"

She wouldn't leave without Katie, would she? And she wouldn't leave the town without word to her friends or patients or without seeing that they'll get a new doc. Sully knew that. But what had happened that she wasn't at home in the middle of the night?

"Matthew, I have a real bad feeling." Sully jumped to his feed and ran to his horse. He didn't want to lose any time. He had to find her. Suddenly he had a terrible feeling that something bad had happened to her.

"Wait my love, not long and we'll be home again. Then nothing can separate us, nothing my love." He whispered in her ear. The slow motion of the train threatened to lull him to sleep but he couldn't let that happen. She would run from him if he wasn't there to assure her that everything would be alright now that they were reunited, that there was no reason to be afraid now. She was even more beautiful than he remembered her. He shouldn't have let her go, not in her state of mind. He knew that she was crazy but didn't want to face the truth. But when she ran from him he had to admit it. He searched for her. He changed his name. Oh, how he had longed for her all these years. He nearly searched the whole country until he heard of a woman doctoring in a small western town. A woman doctor, only fools could believe that. He knew immediately the person had to be her. She had done it again, fooled the people in an innocent little town. He had to be more careful this time, not allow her to do a step on her own, not let her leave the house alone, not until he could be sure that she wouldn't run again. But the first thing he had to do was to take her to the mental home, let the doctors help her there. She stirred a little bit so he took the chloroform and gave her some more so she calmed down. She wanted him to find her. He knew it. Otherwise she wouldn't have been so stupid to place that advertisement in the newspaper. He was just surprised that she didn't recognize him when he answered the advertisement to get the job as a doctor for her clinic. Okay he had changed his hair, but when she didn't recognize his name he knew that she really had gone mad. "You know, when we're in Portland everything will be alright. I do not blame you for what happened. No one could know that would happen. The dead of your little girl was just too much for you. I won't let that happen again. I promise, my love." He leaned closer to her until there was no space left between their two bodies. That was the woman that was meant for him and he was the man that was meant for her, it'll just take some time for her to acknowledge that, he thought. He noticed some of the other passengers glancing their way and smiled at them.

"She's ill. I had to get her back home, 'cause she ran away." He spoke aloud.

He didn't even notice that none of them was interested in what he told them, they just wondered why he was holding her so tight and why she was sleeping all the time.


	2. Chapter 2 Gone

**Chapter II - Gone**

"Do you really think that there's hope he can find her? Perhaps he should just quit. There's no sense in trying to find her, when she's left on her own will!"

Hank winked to Loren with a cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.

"And if she's kidnapped. We owe it her to search for her. Dr. Mike has done much good for this town."

Loren didn't want to accept that Dr. Mike had left her family and friends behind. He had learned to love her like a daughter and though she was away for nearly three month now he still hoped she would come back, enter his mercantile with her typical smile that always used to lighten his day, even if he would never say that.

"But she has also caused trouble. Hank is right, Sully should give up. It's been three months now. Even if there had been a chance to find her, Loren, be realistic, just this once…three months…and there was no train wreck, no big storm and if you asked me, she was really smitten with that doc, who's also lost since three months…"

Jake didn't really know what to think, but when it came to such matters he often tended to believe Hank. Yeah, sure, he liked Dr. Mike, but it wasn't his fault that she wasn't here, was it?

"Shh…there's Dorothy, when she hears what we're talking about, she'll surely kill us!" Loren warned.

„Hey Dorothy, a coffee for you? " Grace asked as soon as she spotted her friend sitting down at the nearest table.

"Yes, coffee would be nice, thanks Grace." Dorothy replied absentminded.

Grace disappeared and reappeared just a short time later with a cup of hot steaming coffee. She put the cup down and set next to her friend.

"Dorothy? Is something wrong?" she noticed her friend's odd demeanour.

"No, it's just that I can't seem to stop wondering where Michaela is right now and if she's safe…" Dorothy's voice trailed off when she had to voice her inner thoughts.

"I know what you mean. I think 'bout her too. If you could have listened to those men…", Grace shook her head sadly, "They were just discussing that Sully should stop searching for her. Moreover, they even suggested that she might have just left with that doc. I could not believe my ears."

Dorothy glanced over to where the men were sitting and when Loren felt her staring at him, he turned his head but avoided her eyes quickly as if ashamed for what they had said about their lovely town doctor. He had mourned over her despite the fact that she might come back, but somehow he knew that Dr. Mike wouldn't just leave her family. He knew that Dorothy was disappointed at him for talking in this way about her friend, but he hadn't said those things, had he? He would talk with Dorothy later.

_Date: **Friday, June 03 ff, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

"Dr. Lloyd, I know you want to take your wife home, but she's still having those hallucinations. They're coming fewer at day, but still every night. She's crying herself to sleep and screaming that name, Sully, over and over. I don't think it would be wise to discharge her." Sam had visited his wife in the mental home, where she had been staying for the past three month. He thought he couldn't wait much longer to get her back home. It's been so long since she had left him. He just wanted it all to be over.

"You said earlier that she hadn't had them as often or, I should say, as permanent, as she used to. I mean, isn't that a sign, that she's accepting our daughter's death and everything is going back to normal? I would think that familiar surroundings are the best cure now." Sam was beginning to grow impatient with that blown up, conceited quack. He was a doctor himself and he was taking his wife home, now.

"I'm taking her home." He said absolutely, leaving for her room.

"Mr Lloyd, you yourself told us what happened the last time! Be reasonable!"

"Shut up, you stupid quack! You don't know how it's been the last time, you don't know me, and you don't know my wife. I couldn't care less for your opinion…" he yelled back at the doctor, leaving him stunned and some people staring at him.

„Sweetheart, I'm coming to take you home." He smiled his hugest smile at his wife when he entered her room a few seconds later. He had to stop in front of her room for gaining his courage. The last thing he wanted to do was frightening her when it was her last day in the mental home, when she would be home in a few more hours.

She sat on the bad, staring out of the window without moving. Neither did she react to the opening door, nor to his voice. She only stared. Sam rounded the bed and sat down next to her laying his right hand on her left knee. She jumped a little bit but relaxed quickly when she recognized him. For a few moments her gaze lingered on his face but then she continued to stare out of the window.

"You heard what I just said, sweetheart? We're going home now."

"Home…" she seemed to ponder the word for a few minutes before turning to him and smiling.

"Home"

She stood up and quickly moved to her wardrobe, pulling a bag out of it. It was just a small bag, because she had no clothes except for her only dress and her clinic dresses she had been given at the mental home. With the bag in her hand she turned to the door and exclaimed loudly, "I'm going home now."

Sam was a bit confused at her behaviour but knew she would soon be her old self once she was at home, in familiar surroundings, if you could call her home familiar after almost three years of absence. He followed her outside and helped her up in their carriage. _Their_ carriage, he thought, it was time that they were finally reunited…


	3. Chapter 3 A New Life

**Chapter III – A New Life**

"Welcome home, Mrs. Lloyd." A servant opened the door and another took her bag out of her hand. She held on to it tightly.

"Mrs. Lloyd?" the servant didn't know what to do. Therese looked at him, confused. She had never seen that man or any of the other servants before and a trace of doubt suddenly filled her mind. What if Sam hadn't told the truth after all? Wouldn't she know any of her former servants?

"Sweetheart, let Roger take your bag, please!" Sam demanded from behind her.

"Who are all these persons, Sam?" she asked with uncertainty in her voice.

"Oh, sweetheart, I forgot. How stupid of me. That's Roger, he's new. I'll tell you about our other servants during dinner, if that's alright with you. What would you think about a nice, hot bath. I'll make sure Jennifer prepares one for you. That will help you relax." Sam had noticed the uncertainty in her voice and her unsure gestures and movements. It seemed she really didn't remember her home anymore. He knew that she would get used to it again, like she did after their wedding. The servants were all new. To her anyway. The former servants had all left, due to his long absences. He just had o longer use for them. But when he learned where his wife was and left to get her, he made arrangements for new servants, cooks and maids for her. She needed a respectable home, when she would return, he thought.

Therese nodded and loosened her hold on the bag. She cast one last glance on the carriage before she walked through the front door of her home and disappeared inside. But when she stood in the doorway she became uncertain again. She didn't know where her room was.

"Mrs. Lloyd, your bath is ready."

Therese turned around to see a young woman, almost a girl, stand at the bottom of the stairs. She smiled warmly at the girl. Somehow she like her, even if she didn't know her.

"Are you Jennifer?" she asked.

"Yes, Mrs. Lloyd" the girl replied politely.

"Jennifer, that must sound strange, but could you show me where my room is?" Michaela didn't know how the girl would react. It surely must have sounded strange to hear the master's woman ask such a question.

"Of course, Mrs. Lloyd. Just follow me."

The young woman started to climb the stairs and Therese followed behind mustering her. She had long brown hair neatly plaited in the back and was rather small and thin. She wondered if the girl got enough food. She seemed to be Colleen's age. NO, she shook her head, there was nobody called Colleen, it was just her imagination. But she had to admit that she was rather young and she wondered what she was doing here, working in that age. But she knew well enough that her family may be in need of the money the girl earned with her work here.

They stopped in front of a big, wooden door and Jennifer opened it letting Therese step in and following behind. Therese saw the big, steaming bathtub and seemed to relax instantly at only the sight of the hot water. She wanted to start unbuttoning her dress, when she noticed Jennifer still standing in the room. She turned around and stared at the girl. She had an unsure look in her eyes and didn't move.

"Is there anything you need, Jennifer?" she asked, not knowing why the girl was still there.

"No, madam, but the master told me to help you with your bath."

"NO, thank you, but that's not necessary…" Therese replied a little bit too quickly. The young woman hesitated being send by her master and so not knowing whose wishes to obey.

"It's okay, Jennifer. I'll be fine and if there's anything you can do I'll let you know." Therese noticed the girl's uncertainty of what to do and so she tried to reassure her that it was okay to leave her.

"And anyway, I'll be more comfortable on my own for a few minutes." She added smiling warmly at Jennifer, who lightly nodding closed the door from outside the room.

"Sweetheart…" there was a knock at the bathroom door which went unnoticed by Therese being drifted into a shallow sleep.

"Tessa" again there was a knock, this time more energetic.

When there was again no answer, Sam opened the door and stepped into the room.

"Therese, what the hell are you doing in here…" he stopped when he saw the shocked face of his wife.

She frantically tried to shield her body from his view being woken by the bang of the opening door. She knew he was her husband and so must have seen her naked before, but she wasn't ready yet to let him do so again.

"Sorry, I must have fallen asleep for an instant. I'll be down in a minute." She tried to fake a smile and thought she had succeeded when he smiled back at her. But when he stepped at her side and kneeled down beside her, she knew she did no.

"Sweetheart, there's no reason to be nervous, there's nothing I haven' seen before. We're married remember?" He said moving his left hand to her breast and caressing it lightly.

She tried not to tense up, knowing he had done so before and thinking about the night to come. Then he would expect much more from her. How hard she tried not to fear the upcoming night, she knew he would call on her wifely duty then. She nodded and Sam gave her a short kiss on the forehead and left her alone once more. When the door was closed behind him she quickly got out of the bathtub and dried herself with a big towel. Then she reached for her undergarments, put on her pantaloons and her camisole before it struck her that she had nothing to wear. She glanced around the room but not finding anything except her old dress she reached for the bell and rang it. Only seconds later a knock came to the door.

"Mrs. Lloyd? Here's Jennifer."

"Yes, come in!"

Jennifer stepped into the room finding Therese slightly embarrassed by her state of dress.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't find anything to wear. I thought maybe you could help me?"

"Oh, yes, of course Mrs. Lloyd. I'll get one of your dresses for you."

Jennifer quickly left the room and returned a short time later with several dresses.

"Which one would you like to wear today, Mrs. Lloyd?"

"I think, I would like the green one. And oh Jennifer, please don't call me Mrs. Lloyd, it makes me feel old." Therese said.

"Ms Therese it is then?" asked the girl unsure how to call her if not Mrs. Lloyd like she was told to do.

"Yes, I think that's better…" she couldn't concentrate, that wasn't her name. She couldn't remember someone calling her Tessa, Therese or even Mrs. Lloyd before. But sweetheart, that sounded familiar to her. Was she a cruel person, who didn't pay attention to her servants, that she couldn't remember them calling her Mrs. Lloyd? She took the green dress and stepped behind the screen to get dressed. When she once again stepped into the room she felt dizzy for an instant. Jennifer noticed how se swayed and rushed to her side.

"Is everything alright, Miss Therese?" she asked.

"Yes, I'm fine." Tessa smiled unsure, not knowing if really everything was alright.

Jennifer seemed to believe what she said.

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, thank you."

Jennifer left the room and Tessa was left alone. She sat down on the bed and sighed. That was her home, her family, why didn't it feel that way? Why did she feel so misplaced here? And if that wasn't enough she was getting sick now. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed by everything that did happen around her. And she was so tired, so tired…

II


	4. Chapter 4 Giving up Hope

**Chapter IV – Giving up Hope**

Sully sat on the bed pensively. He stared at the fireplace where the flames were burning high and cast a creepy light into the room. This was the room he had once shared with his love, his best friend, his wife. He still couldn't believe she was gone. He had searched for her. He had been in every inch of the country, or at least he felt as if. There hadn't been a single trace of her. He would never admit it, but his hope was slowly fading. He had a family to care for, friends who needed him also. There was no sign for a crime, that she hadn't left on her own purpose. Sully heard people talking about her, gossiping about her, telling cruel things he had never wanted to hear. But not all of them knew him. Not all stopped whispering when he neared. He hated the feeling when he came into town, all eyes glued to him and the suddenly deadly silence when he entered a room or the mercantile. Why couldn't they just stop? The other day he heard even Dorothy and Grace talk about Michaela, saying she wouldn't come back, that there was no hope, had never been. Just one more week, he thought, one more week of searching. If I don't find her, I'll stay home, he said to himself every week. He had rarely seen Katie, his little Katie the last three months. But that would change once her mother would return, he thought. She would understand why her Daddy couldn't be there for her, that her Mommy needed him. Just one week…

"Bye sweetheart, Daddy will be home before you even have the chance to miss me." Sully kissed Katie on her little cheek and waved her goodbye, casting a grateful look at Grace, who once again cared for her during the day so that he could ride out and search for Dr. Mike. He mounted his horse and turned a last time to Katie.

"Bye…"he hated to leave her and it tore his heart apart to have to.

"Papa…luv…" she called to him smiling and waving her little hand to him.

"I love you too, my sweetheart." Then he rode away without glancing back again. He knew he would turn back.

"So, Katie, we two will do some cooking today. What do you think about that, hmm?" Grace smiled at her god daughter.

Katie clapped her hands and her daddy was soon forgotten. She loved her god mother dearly and no matter how bad she would miss her daddy, which she got accustomed to the last months, she was pleased to be allowed to spend some time with her.

"Katie…" Grace cried frantically. She had just turned around once and the little girl was lost.

"Katie…please, say a word or come back!" there was no sign of the girl and Grace slowly lost hope. She didn't know what to do. It was just too much for her. She couldn't watch Katie all day and manage her café. And now, there she was. Minutes passed and Katie didn't appear, so Grace ran over to Robert E.

"Robert E, Robert E…" she yelled startling a few people on her way over to him.

"Robert E you gotta help…"

"Whoa, what's wrong Grace? What's the hurry?" he tried to calm her grabbing her by the shoulders to stop her from shaking so hard. He was concerned something awful had happened to her.

"It's Katie…I…I just turned around for a moment…I couldn't find her…I didn't know…Robert E…"

Once she started speaking the words tumbled out of her mouth and didn't seem to stop. They were so confused that Robert E had difficulties understanding what she was saying. But somehow he registered what she meant and ran back to ring the town bell.

"What's all that fuss here?" Hank came shuffling out of his saloon holding a cigar in his hand like he always seemed to do.

"It's Katie Sully, she's missing…" Robert E called back ignoring Hank's tone.

Soon half of the town was standing around Robert E and he quickly explained the situation. Lots of men were willing to help search for the little girl, not only 'cause she was sweet, but also 'cause she was Dr. Mike's little girl and they all missed her and were reminded of her whenever they saw the child.

"That family," Hank growled, „always making trouble."

Grace gave Hank a disgusted glance at his comment. Hank, noticing that, just shrugged his shoulders.

"What?" He asked, "You gotta admit that one of them is always making trouble. Only now it's the whole family. If you ask me that girl comes after her Ma, just leaving like that. If you know what I mean…"

"No one's asking you Hank. If you ask me, someone should get that stupid grin off your face." Grace was furious at Hank. Michaela was her best friend and his comments really didn't need to be said or heard. Turning around to her husband Grace said: "Robert E, someone's gotta tell Sully. He needs to know that he has to come back…"

"Well, you say that as if it's easy. No one knows where he is right now. Could be everywhere by now…" Robert E didn't like to disappoint his wife but there was really nothing they could do. He looked up when suddenly Horace spoke up. Horace wasn't usually one for very bright ideas, but when it came to his job he really seemed to be great.

"I could send a blind telegram. Would get to every station. Surely someone musta seen Sully, right?"

There was silence for a moment when people thought about what he had just said. Then Loren turned to Horace.

"Horace, I guess the blind chicken just found its corn…" Hank started laughing and the men left together.

"Hey Horace, never mind them. Your idea was great. Let's go and send that telegram." Grace seemed encouraged by Horace idea and was actually glad to have a distraction.

"I'm gonna set out. Try to get some men to help looking for Katie. I mean we can't just leave her out there all alone." Robert E said before following the other men.

"What you mean, Robert E? You want us to go out there and look for a 2 year old little girl?" Jake asked grumpily, "I have better things to do than look for that kid. Probably already found by those injuns. I gotta look after my costumers, can't afford to waste my time."

Robert E shook his head. He would never understand those men. Dr. Mike had probably saved the life of everyone of them.

"You really gonna leave that poor girl out there? After all that Dr. Mike's done for you? You should be ashamed, gentleman!" It was Dorothy who had overheard the men's comments.

"Didn't she fix you and your girls up often enough, Hank? And didn't she help you when you had the influenza and wouldn't let her help you, Jake? And what's with you, Loren? I thought you loved little Katie like your own grandchild, what's Brian going to think of you? Or Olive and Maude? Just think about it, gentlemen, if it weren't for Dr. Mike not one of you would be standing here thinking of excuses why not to go looking for her daughter. It's a shame, it really is a shame…" with that Dorothy left to return to her Gazette. She still had to send those articles to those big papers about Dr. Mike and how she went missing and everything. She felt content. She would do something to help, even if it's not going to work, she had at least tried, but somehow she was confident it was going to work.

"Well, I guess I could close for some time. Don't have many costumers today, anyway." Jake meant a couple of minutes later after Dorothy was out of sight. Hank threw his cigar on the street and looked up.

"It's early. I don't have anyone in the saloon and my girls can keep an eye on it, so what you're waiting for Loren? You're too busy to go? Or too old?" Hank knew that his comment would make Loren go and that was exactly what he aimed at.

"Of course I'm not too old, I wanted to go the whole time, you just wouldn't let me say a single word."

"Ha, sure old man…" Hank said laughing as he turned around to get his horse.

"5 minutes, old man, you better hurry…"

And really 5 minutes later the 3 men were standing together waiting for Matthew to head out.

Slowly consciousness made its way through to her mind. She turned over in her bed subconsciously reaching for the other side, for the person lying next to her. But the bed next to her was empty, the sheets cold and unused. She didn't want to open her eyes, wanting to relish the peace of the early morning hours a little while longer. The sunlight that came through the closed curtains warmed her face and a little bit her heart. Suddenly her heart was clouded again when she remembered what brought her that good night's sleep. She had felt dizzy the previous night and had gone to bed early. Deciding it might be best to talk to her husband about it, since he was a doctor after all; she finally opened her eyes and got ready for breakfast.

When she arrived downstairs some time later, she found Sam sitting in a chair in the living room. He had a medical journal on his lap and seemed absolutely absorbed in it. So she left to get breakfast first. When she stepped into the kitchen, she couldn't take the smell of the freshly brewed coffee or the ham and eggs. She spun around on her heels and dashed for the bathroom.

After having thrown up everything that was left from dinner the previous night, she washed her face with icy cold water and deciding she looked good enough went downstairs to Sam. He was still in the same position, but since they were alone and she really felt the urge to tell him, she just approached him. She sat down on the chair next to his with her face turned to him.

"Sam?" She started hesitantly.

Not looking up he asked: „Yes sweetheart?"

She felt a little bit disheartened by his obvious lack of interest in speaking to her, but yet she felt the need to go through with it. He had to find out sooner or later and besides, he was a doctor right? So he could help her with this. Determined not to let herself down this time she kept on.

"I have to tell you something serious." She said in a stronger voice.

Sam, who had noticed the subtle change in her voice, put his medical journal down and looked at her.

"What's going on here?" He demanded not willing to let her talk to him like that. He was the man in the house and she was in no position to take any lead here.

"I'm sorry, for my harsh words, but I have something really important to tell you."

She watched his reaction and when she didn't receive any she continued.

"I'm thinking that I might…" She had to stop talking and take a deep breath.

"…that I might be…um…pregnant."

She looked up at him half hoping half fearing what his reaction might be.

"And how, I may ask, did you come to that conclusion?" He replied obviously mocking her.

"I take it, you examined yourself? Or are you such a fine doctor yourself that you can just assume something like that…um…let's say…by the color of your skin?"

She was shocked. That was the last she had expected. Furiously at his indifference to her condition she stood up and glared at him.

"Well, I'm a woman and I am WELL aware of my body changing in whatever way. Even I can tell that dizziness and tiredness are not normal." She was disgusted at how he treated her. He had no right to mock her for believing things about her own body or expressing her thoughts. She didn't have any intentions of raising her voice but his ignorance just …uhh…she couldn't believe that man!

"Therese, don't you dare walk away from me like this." He yelled at her when she rose to leave him.

"MAKE ME STAY!" She was furious. When she started to storm out of the room an upstairs, she suddenly felt his hand on her arm in a hard grasp. She stopped dead in her tracks, fear creeping up her spine. She had the feeling nobody had ever dared to touch her that way, but somehow she wasn't sure about that. She turned around to him with an icy stare.

"Don't touch me." She almost whispered with as much coldness in her voice as she possessed. She already wanted to pull her arm out of his grasp when she felt the back of his hand hit her hard on her temple. All of a sudden deadly silence filled the room. She didn't dare to move and he just stared at her. Wasn't he going to apologize? Wasn't he going to take her in his arms and say that he would never do that again?

"You're my wife and you better learn how to behave." He said while turning around and going back to his medical journal. Therese stood there for a moment before she noticed the single tear escaping her left eye. Without making any noise she turned around and retreated to her room saving herself the trouble of wiping the tears away.

"So, how are we doing this, huh?" Matthew asked.

He didn't know much about telegrams, but he didn't care much either since Horace was their specialist here.

"Well, I'd say we just send a telegram to every station, saying that in case a Mr Sully wants to send a telegram they give him this one. He has to sign his telegram. So that wouldn't be a problem and there ain't exactly a hundred Sullys out there…I hope." Horace admitted.

It was a simple plan and though he had been sure it would work in the beginning, he really doubted it now. He was never really certain about his own ideas since he knew he wasn't exactly the brightest person in town. But the one thing he would never do, was tell someone how relied on him that he was not sure what he was doing. So he just kept shut and send that damn telegram.

"Oh, and Horace, Could you send another one to Colleen? She needs to know what's going on here."

"Sure Matthew." Horace promised, this telegram being the simpler task to fulfil.

"So, that's done. I guess we should head out, who wants to come along?" Matthew turned around to the people standing around him.

"I'm going…" Loren admitted through clenched teeth, avoiding Dorothy's gaze.

"So am I." "And I." Both Jake and Hank replied at the same time. Hank grinning at Dorothy, not in the least ashamed that he hadn't wanted to go in the first place.

"Sweetheart?" Sam called for Therese, urgency clinging to his voice. Therese didn't know what to make of that. They had hardly spoken for the last couple of days and now he was calling her sweetheart again. Well, whatever it was that he wanted, she didn't feel the need to make him angry. So she made her way down the stairs to meet her waiting husband.

"What's wrong?" She asked with the best smile she could manage.

"Well, I was thinking about what happened. I came to the conclusion that I need to examine you. Of course, just to make sure nothing's wrong." He answered matter-of-factly. Tessa didn't know what to reply, she couldn't just say that she didn't want him to examine her. He was her husband, and he was a doctor and she herself had said something was wrong. But it was just an examination, she decided. It won't hurt. So she nodded slightly. With that Sam went to fetch his medical bag and came upstairs to her bedroom. She followed him and waited for him to tell her what to do.

"Don't you think you should change or take of your undergarments at least?" He asked her mockingly.

"Of course." She answered curtly and left for the dressing room next door.

When she came back, he was sitting on the bed waiting for her, a small bottle and a cloth in his hands. She was looking at him unsure of what to do. Didn't he say he was just examining her? What did he need the bottle for?

"I gotta put you to sleep for a little while, just to make sure that you're relaxed. And it will help you not to feel so uncomfortable." He said as if reading her mind. She had her doubts, somehow having the feeling that there was something he didn't tell her. But she lay down on the bed anyway. When he dripped the liquid on the cloth and placed it over her mouth she suddenly saw a figure standing in the corner of the room.

"Mommy, don't!" The little boy wasn't moving, but his green and blue eyes were fixed on her. She stared at him, knowing that he had her eyes. But it was his skin and his hair that got her scared. She had seen that hair before. It was long and wavy, bleached by the sun…and that dark tan of his skin, she knew that tan.

"Mommy, don't let him take me. Mommy, you gotta stay awake!" The little boy screamed. The instant before unconsciousness grabbed her she shifted her gaze at her husband. He didn't react to the child. Didn't he see him, didn't he hear him?

The slight pressure on her left side was the first thing she felt when she woke some time later. She tried to move, but the weight on her and the sudden dull ache in her lower abdomen kept her from doing so. She slowly opened her eyes to see what was pressing her down. A gasp emanated from her mouth when she saw the child lying on her, cuddling her. For a long time she just stared at him. How come he seemed so familiar, when she had never seen him before? There was something on him she knew. It was as if she knew his soul just by looking at him. When she noticed that her left hand was lying next to his head, his hair tickling her fingers, she lightly caressed him. His hair was so soft, his head so warm. She could almost smell him, when she all of a sudden jumped. He had moved. Her eyes moved to his and met with the gaze of his mismatched eyes, her eyes.

"Mommy." He just said smiling at her.

"Who are you?" she asked, not scared but curious.

"Mommy, it's me, your son." He answered as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

"I don't have a son. Who are you…why are you here?"

"I'm your son and I'm not really here. He took me. He didn't let you have me. But don't worry Mommy, I love you. You didn't know." The little boy reached for her face and caressed her cheek for a moment. But when steps in the hallway could be heard he stopped and looked at the door. The steps came closer to her room and it was clear that someone was coming for her.

"Mommy, you have to wait for Daddy. He doesn't know. You didn't know, Mommy. I love you." When the door opened and Sam stepped into the room the boy rose from the bed and stood next to Tessa. Sam smiled at her, when he saw her awake.

"Good morning, sweetheart." He said in a cheery voice, obviously oblivious to the boy next to the bed. Tessa winced when he sat down on the bed next to her and made her move. Her hand flew to her abdomen, where she felt the pain.

"He knew." The boy whispered leaning forward to her ear, before disappearing.

"It's okay. It will hurt for a few days. But you'll be fine."

Tessa's eyes flew to Sam's.

"What did you do?"

"Well, I examined you and you were indeed pregnant. Already three month along."

"What did you do?" She demanded again in a harder voice.

"I had to take the baby." He said coolly, glaring at her for her outburst.

Despite the pain she felt, she turned over on her side to face the window, not being able to look at Sam right now. Her right hand was still resting on her abdomen, when she felt the tears coming. She hadn't been with her husband in a long time. Whatever had happened, it couldn't have been his baby. So why did it feel so wrong to lose it? Shouldn't she be relieved?

"You gotta understand, sweetheart. I couldn't let you have another man's child. Just think what the people would say!" He tried to touch her right arm but she flinched so he withdrew his hand.

"I know how you feel. Not knowing what those people out there did to you. I know you would never betray me. I understand that you want to forget that." Was the last thing he said before leaving her on her own again, leaving her to her thoughts and fears, leaving her to her tears.

"No, you don't." She whispered when she heard the door close.

_Date: **Tuesday, June 14, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

"Good morning sir, what can I do for you?" the person in the telegraph station asked when a long-haired man appeared in his view.

"Gotta send a telegram to Matthew Cooper in Colorado Springs, Colorado." The man said without looking up.

"Portland now. Had no luck. Will keep looking. Miss you. Sully." Suddenly the man in the office looked up at Sully.

"Did you say your name was Sully, sir?" Sully also looked up, interested why the man was so curious about his name.

"Yeah, that's my name…any problems there?"

"Uhmm…not exactly. I just got this for you. Apparently it has been sent to all telegram offices across the country. Says you gotta go home immediately." The man handed him the slip of paper, eying him curiously when he read it. Sully slowly opened the paper, hope making its way through to his heart now. What if she had come home? But what he found nearly made his heart stop in horror.

_Please hand this telegram to a Mr Sully if he wants to send a telegram here._

_Katie missing. Gotta come home immediately! Matthew_

_Colorado Springs, Colorado_

He crumpled up the paper and threw it down on the hard ground. His face was pale when he turned back to the man, his hands trembling.

"I need a train ticket to Colorado Springs. The first train, that's going."

No emotion was showing in this stranger's eyes, but the lack of colour in his face, the trembling hand and the speed which he stumbled through his sentence with, told stories about what he was going through right now.

"Next train's going in 20 minutes. Here's your ticket, have a good trip." When the man in the office heard himself say that, he noticed ho ridiculous that must have sounded. He didn't know who the girl was, that was missing, but from the stranger's reaction, it was probably his daughter or some close relative or friend. But the stranger still nodded while walking away.

Sully boarded the train about 20 minutes later without looking back at the city he hadn't had the chance to see, to search for his wife in. Right now he was angry, angrier than he had ever been. He had lost his wife, the love of his life, not knowing why. And despite being there for his daughter, who had lost her mother, spending time with her, making sure she wouldn't forget the angel that gave her life, instead of raising the child that was born of their love, he travelled the country looking for a person he didn't even know if she wanted to be found.

He took one of the window seats and leaned his head on the glass of the window. His eyes were fixed on the sidewalk but his eyes only saw the little girl he had neglected. How could he be so selfish? He wasn't the only one who had lost someone. Sully had heard people talk about her, how he should give up, but he never paid attention to those people. But now! All of a sudden, he knew what he had to do. Fate had leaded them together once, without them looking for each other. If it was meant they would find each other again. He knew it was just a complicated way of saying that he was giving up. But he had to be there for his daughter and he couldn't do both. He had to stay in Colorado Springs, even if it hurt him, even if he would wonder if could have found her. Sure doubt still filled his mind. What if she was here, in this very city? What if she was just around the corner, hoping for any help? He sighed, knowing that he had already made up his mind. The train jerked forward and Sully's thoughts shifted from his daughter to his beautiful wife. Oh, how he loved her. He would always love her and a piece of him was gone with her and would only come back with her.

"Mommy." The little boy tugged her sleeve, unseen by the people around her. She looked down at him wondering why he had appeared this time.

"Mommy, why is Daddy taking that train? Doesn't Daddy love me?"

She stared at his mismatched eyes for a moment before shifting her focus on the passengers boarding the train. She didn't even know what she was looking for, when she saw him. The light was reflected by his long, sun-bleached hair. She only saw him for a split second before he disappeared inside. Ready to turn around but yet drawn to the train's windows, still searching his face without noticing, she suddenly saw it. It was him. He sat down in one of the window seats, his head leaning on the glass his eyes unseeing. When the train slowly pulled out of the station and she woke from her reverie, she heard herself whisper his name.

"Sully…"

By the time she had recovered from her shock the train was already gone from her sight as was the little boy. Deciding to finish her tasks for the day and then go home, she slightly shook her head at her foolishness. She really needed sleep!

"Sully"

He sat up jumping at the sound. Looking around he searched for a face, her face. He had certainly heard her whisper his name. She was here, she had called him. His heart was bumping wildly and his eyes scanned the train seats frantically. After several minutes when he didn't hear her voice again nor found her face, he leaned back in his seat. This had to stop. He was going home and there was no changing it now. He had to give up. He had to give up hope to not give up his daughter…


	5. Chapter 5 Anger and Hurt

Chapter 5: Anger and Hurt

Warning: This Chapter contains sexual content. 

The train slowly neared Colorado Springs and Sully didn't know what to feel. He should be glad to be back home. But somehow it didn't feel like home anymore. Before he had met Michaela it hadn't been his home either. He never counted on falling in love with her. The first time he had seen her, when she fell in the mud, he knew something had changed. Now he was there again, the town that so much had become his home during the last few years, that his wife had made his home.

When he looked out the window he already saw Brian standing there, waiting anxiously for him. He looked troubled. Sully stood up and gathered his things together. He only had a few things with him, since he was travelling all the time now. Brian was overjoyed to see his Pa again. He seemed like he wanted to run and throw himself in Sully's arms but something kept him from it. So he just cast him a simple smile and hugged him shortly when Sully was standing before him.

"How you're doing, son?" Sully asked, also being concerned about how he was handling the whole situation.

"Just fine. Keeping busy, I guess…" was Brian's simple answer.

Sully knew he was not fine. He also knew he kinda blamed him for leaving him with Katie, but would never admit it, not even to himself.

"Matthew's out with the other men, looking for Katie…said they'd return tonight to check in town." Brian shrugged.

Tessa jumped gasping for air. It was dark outside and the only sound came from the dying fire. She couldn't remember what she was dreaming about, but it must have been horrible. She was sweating but cold all over her body. Slowly air came back to her lungs and she started to look around the room she was sleeping in. It seemed so strange sleeping here, if it was her home. When nothing changed and she felt safe to go back to sleep she lay back down on the bed. When she turned to her side she felt rather than see the figure next to her. She almost jumped out of the bed when the figure suddenly moved and a hand reached out for her.

"Hey Sully…" Grace came walking over slowly, filling his pot with coffee when she saw him sitting at the farthest table. He didn't look good, but no one did exactly expect that.

"How you're doing Grace?" She didn't know if he was being polite or if he really cared for her since his little girl got lost while being in her care. But when she looked in his eyes she saw real worry.

"Well, you know, worried, like we all are…" She didn't really know what to say. She felt guilty and she was scared to face Sully.

"It's not your fault, you know." He stated simply.

"She has always been a wild one. Even ran away from me once…" His eyes glazed over with sweet memory and at the same time with the sorrow of his loss. Suddenly Grace didn't feel scared anymore and she felt more confident that they were gonna find Katie than she had been since she disappeared.

"They're gonna find her…I know it Sully." She searched his face for any evident that he had heard her, but all she met was sheer frustration.

"Sure…" Sully was thinking about Michaela and how everyone had said the same about her.

_She's gonna come back. Who knows where she is. Probably just tending to a patient some longer._ He just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't find her. What if he couldn't find their daughter either?

Grace stood up and tended to her other costumers, sensing that he might need some time alone. But periodically glancing back at him she found him in that same position every time until he was gone suddenly.

Sully made his way to the homestead. He had to do something! When it came into view he got even more frustrated than he had been before. He had built it for them with his own hands. Why did she just leave? He jumped down from his horse and ran inside immediately walking towards the stairs and the master bedroom. He had not been in there since Michaela had disappeared. It was too lonely, reminded him to much of her. But now? Now anger and desperation made its way through to the surface. He stormed into the room and looked around for just an instant. Then his arms reached out for the nightstand and threw down the oil lamp on it. When he heard the loud thud and shattering, he somehow felt relieved as if a weight was taken from his shoulders. Next he grabbed the blanket, the beautiful quilt they had gotten for their wedding, swung it around and threw it down on the ground like he had down before with the lamp. It was sheer luck that it didn't land in the fireplace but fell down just inches before the flames caught it. Sully didn't even know why there was a fire in that room. He went over to the fireplace and began to kick the flames with his moccasins. In the same moment his arms came up again and threw everything down that was standing on the mantle. He just couldn't take it. It took only moments to trash the room. When there was nothing more left to destroy in that room he went downstairs to the front door. He stared at the beautiful glass in it. They had had a fight over that. A stupid fight! He had finally bought it for her, because he loved her. His fists flew through the glass without him thinking about it. He saw the bloodstains on his hand and on the glass, slowly making their way down the wooden door. The sight made him even angrier and he swung the door open and ran outside to her garden. She didn't need that garden anymore! She had left that garden here! He took out his tomahawk and started hitting the ground, cutting the plants. He didn't notice the tears streaming down his face, nor the dust stinging his eyes and drying out his throat. He didn't care. He was so absorbed in his task of destroying everything that reminded him of her that he didn't even hear the wagon approaching the house.

Colleen was shocked. Never had she expected to find Sully like this. He was always the strong one. At first she thought he was simply working in the garden. _Sully working in the garden, that's ridiculous, Colleen!_ But the closer she got to the house the clearer it became that he was angry and destroying the garden where her Ma had planted the pumpkins and her herbs. He was destroying the carrots Brian and she had planted and grown when Dr. Mike was shot. When the wagon came to a halt Colleen jumped down immediately not wasting any time in getting to Sully.

He turned around when he heard footsteps behind him. There she was. His beautiful daughter, who was following in her Ma's footsteps. Why was she here? Suddenly he felt foolish for letting her find him like this, but he couldn't help himself, somehow he couldn't get up from the dirty ground, his legs wouldn't carry him. He looked down momentarily at his bleeding hand and noticed the tears falling down mixing with the red. He didn't resist when he felt her delicate arms around him. Rocking him as if he was a baby. He didn't care when he felt her fingers gently wipe away the tears on his cheeks. He didn't care that this was wrong, that he was supposed to be strong and comfort her, not the other way around.

"Shhh…it's gonna be alright." Colleen whispered in her father's ear. She felt the tears welling in her own eyes and she didn't resist them. This wasn't a time to be strong. When would they have the time to mourn if not now? She knew she had to leave again. She wanted to finish the college, make her Ma proud of her, and become a good doctor like she had been. But this was the price. She had to watch her family fall apart around her, mourning the loss of its members and there was nothing she could do about it. She had to leave, again and again and again…

"Matthew…" Colleen ran to her older brother landing in his arms and hugging him hard.

"Hey little sister, how as your trip?" Matthew was glad that she was there. He couldn't do things alone here any longer.

"The trip was okay, but I found Sully at the house…well, let's just say, he's not okay."

She searched his face for any sign that he had known or hadn't known, but all she found was confusion.

"Didn't even know he was back yet. No one knew where he was. We were just hoping he would get our telegram and come home, bur we never received an answer."

Now it was Colleen's part to be confused.

"What do you mean, no one knew where he was? Who was taking care of Katie?"

"That's the problem. The last couple of months everyone in town is taking care of her, mostly Brian and me. But we don't always can. Grace was helping when Katie disappeared. Wasn't her fault as I get it. Just turned around and she was gone." Matthew shook his head; even he didn't get how a little girl could just disappear like that. It wasn't as if she could run very fast.

"Anyway, let's et you settled first. It's late, we'll head out again first thing in the morning." With that he lay his arm around his little sister's shoulders and led her back to her wagon.

_Date:_** _Saturday, August 13, 1872_**_ Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

"Tessa, are you alright?" She heard his deep voice in the dark and felt his touch on her nightgown-covered skin.

"It's nothing. I just had a bad dream. Go back to sleep."

With that Sam went back to sleep not bothering to ask her what her dream was about. She looked at him, even if she couldn't see his face. She tried to go back to sleep back it seemed to take forever. When she finally closed her eyes and sleep overtook her, she saw it again, that face with the long wavy hair around it. Suddenly she saw something else. She was in a medical clinic or so it seemed. She didn't turn around when she heard a knock at the door but just called for whoever it was to come in. But no one came in. Then she heard the knock again. So she turned around and walked to the door, slowly she opened it and saw the men standing there. He asked for the doctor and she replied she was the doctor. Horror made its way to her eyes when she saw the gun he was taking out and pointing at her. He didn't hesitate to shoot and she fell down to the floor before consciousness overtook her.

„What's wrong what happened?" Sam asked after being woken up by Tessa's piercing scream. "I had a horrible dream." She said still shaking with fear and her voice breaking.

"Hey it's okay, you don't have to be afraid. I'm here, I'll watch out for you, come here." He said motioning for her to come in his arms. Despite her holding back for what intentions he might have she finally gave in. She was too shaken and just needed some warmth and a pair of arms around her. Sometimes in her dreams she could feel those arms. They didn't feel like Sam's arms; they were so strong and at the same time so gentle. She lay still in his arms not daring to move. He didn't move either for a couple of minutes. She blushed all over her body and her face when his hands started roaming over her arms, hips and legs. His hot breath hit the sensitive skin of her neck and moved down to her shoulder.

"I love you." He whispered in her ear his lips wet.

She tried not to gasp when she felt his hand move to graze over her breast slightly massaging it in his hands, but she didn't succeed. He heard her gasp for air and took it as a sign for him to continue. He nipped the air at her neck and tugged at the hem of her nightgown. She didn't help him at all. She was nervous and scared.

"Common…" He urged her to go along with him and she knew she couldn't do anything about it, so she rolled on her back and let him do as he pleased. He wasn't gentle. His hands roughly gripped her breasts and kneaded them. She jumped when she felt his arousal pressing against her now bare tight.

"Please, don't…" was all she could manage to say. His hand came down against her cheek silencing her.

"Shut up." He didn't even care to rid her off her nightgown fully but just bunched it up over her waist. When he finally had access to her most intimate part his hand wandered and touched her. He separated her legs and felt for her. Tessa gripped the bed sheets between her white fingers. He crawled between her legs and rested his heavy body on hers. She felt like she was suffocating. The air left her lungs and she couldn't get it back in. She didn't want this, yet she couldn't fight it. _Don't let him do this. Stop him. _Her mind was screaming at her but she didn't want to listen. His hand reached down to guide himself inside of her. She felt him. She felt his tip slip inside and she felt her body stretching, consuming him. He moaned and writhed over her and his sweat was dripping down onto her. She felt a wave of nausea wash over her, but she resisted the urge to throw up. He moved faster and faster and made her moan with pain. It all just took a few minutes, then his whole body grew stiff and he released himself inside her with one final powerful thrust. He was exhausted and laid his body onto hers, not caring if he was too heavy. She stared at the ceiling she couldn't see and wished that it all would be over, that he would leave her alone. Tears made their way to the surface and she pressed her eyelids together keeping her eyes shut. The tears made their way through the small slits and ran down her cheeks. When Sam finally left her body and rolled to his side, immediately beginning to snore heavily, she felt used and faced the window. She couldn't even see the stars outside and it gave her a sense of emptiness. There was nothing. Her body felt dirty and all she wanted was a hot bath, but she couldn't move. Her sore body still adjusted to the feeling of having him in her, even after he had left. She couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal; that this wasn't supposed to be. She tugged her nightgown back into place and wished for sleep to overcome her. But it never did…

Matthew was the first one to see the Cheyenne medicine man. He was sitting on his horse holding something in front of his body. Matthew nudged Colleen in her side to get her attention and nodded over to Cloud Dancing. When the wagon stopped they both jumped down and walked over to him.

Matthew shook hands with the Cheyenne.

"What brings you here, Cloud Dancing?" He asked knowing how risky it was to leave the reservation.

"I think this belongs to you." He said and held the bundle to Matthew. Matthew didn't know what to think so he separated the blankets and peered inside. What he saw made him gasp. He turned around and gave the bundle to Colleen.

"What is it, Matthew?" she asked, having noticed his reaction.

Matthew didn't answer but turned around to their friend, so she looked herself. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes and she looked at Cloud Dancing a silent question in her eyes. Before she could speak it out loud he already answered it.

"She is asleep. Dog Soldiers brought her to our village. They said she was near a farm they burned down. They thought it was the family child. We were lucky they didn't kill her." He nodded.

Colleen had all the answers she needed so she thanked Cloud Dancing and hurried inside with her little sister.

"Why didn't they?" Matthew asked when they were alone.

"The spirits kept her alive. It wasn't in the Dog Soldiers power to take her life." The medicine man didn't explain but turned around and left for the reservation. Matthew waited until he disappeared in the darkness of the woods before he followed Colleen inside.

_I tied myself to my chair today so I could get this Chapter finally done. It's not really how I had planned it. Hope you enjoy it._

_Anne_


	6. Chapter 6 And they dream

**Chapter 6 - ?**

_Date: **Tuesday, August 3, 1872** Location: **Cheyenne Reservation/ Colorado**_

„The spirits tell me that your soul is troubled, my brother." Cloud Dancing greeted Sully when he arrived at the reservation.

"As usual the spirits are right." Sully replied his head hanging low.

"It has been a while since you were here last." Cloud Dancing said knowingly "May your troubles be the reason for that?"

Sully took a deep breath.

"It's Michaela. She's missing and I was out looking for her."

"But success was not yours."

"No it wasn't." Sully replied depressed.

"Then your family here was more important to you?" Cloud Dancing knew that there had to be a good reason to keep Sully from looking for his wife.

"It's not that they're more important, but there wasn't any sign of her. Well and with what happened with Katie…just made me realize, that I'm needed here. I had to make a decision."

The medicine man nodded at that.

"Did the spirits tell you where Michaela is?" Cloud Dancing shook his head.

"The spirits do not speak to me about this. They spoke to me of your troubled soul, but not of Dr. Mike being missing."

Sully looked up. Usually, Cloud Dancing already knew what was going on, when Sully had trouble. The spirits always talked to him about things he couldn't possibly know.

"Does that mean…" Sully began scared to finish his question.

"It does not mean anything or it does mean everything. The spirits do not say that she will return, but they do not say that she will not."

"Of course." Sully said. "What am I gonna do now?" he asked his old friend.

"That decision is yours. You made one before. She is your soul mate. If your soul is calling loud enough for her, she will return." Cloud Dancing answered wisely, placing his hand on Sully's shoulder, bringing him to his tepee to sit down for tea.

**°°°°°**

_Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

„Sam? We need a few things, or I can't keep cooking anymore. " Tessa slowly approached her husband, lying a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna go get them." He replied curtly.

"May I come along?" She asked hopefully. She was eager to leave the house again. It had been days since she had seen daylight with her own eyes and she felt like she needed fresh air.

"I said, I'M gonna get it."

"But…" She couldn't finish her sentence, since his hand collided with her face just above her left eye. She felt the heat rising to that spot immediately and raised her hand to touch it. She was shocked when she felt the blood on her fingers slowly trickling down her face and onto her dress.

"Look at you. Who'd wanna see you like this anyway?" Sam answered mockingly while turning around, grabbing his coat and leaving the house. She watched him leave in utter shock and couldn't believe her ears when she heard the lock turn. _He had locked her in. he really believed she would run from him._ Figuring she couldn't leave the house anyway, she turned around and made her way to the kitchen, getting something for her eye.

**°°°°°**

_Date: **Thursday, August 25, 1872 **Location: **Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

"Daddy?" Sully heard the voice coming from a distance, slowly nearing him. He knew he was dreaming.

"Daddy, where are you?" the voice sounded child-like and Sully figured it probably belonged to a child. For an instant he contemplated the thought that it might be Katie calling him in reality, but the voice didn't belong to Katie.

"I'm here…" He decided to play along. After all, it was a dream, only a dream, so what harm could it bring?

All of a sudden he saw the face that belonged to the voice. He instantly recognized the child though never having seen him before. He knew the long, wavy, sun-bleached hair and the dark tan of the skin, but more than that he knew the unmatched eyes. That green and brown, which he loved so much. Those eyes stared right at him and suddenly he knew who that was. It had to be his and Michaela's child, there was no denying that.

"Daddy, why did you leave?" The child's gaze didn't waver.

"I didn't leave…" He answered, but doubted it at the same time.

"Mommy needs you now." That was the last thing that child said before disappearing. When the image faded Sully woke up. He stared at the fire in the fire place and contemplated what to do now. He couldn't make sense of his dream at the moment and he figured he wouldn't later. He needed help and he knew exactly who could help him.

**°°°°°**

"Cloud Dancing."

"Sully, welcome." The medicine man nodded when Sully reached for his arm greeting his best friend.

"What brings you here?" He asked while leading him to the fire he had going in front of his tepee.

"I just wanted to visit you." Sully answered. Cloud Dancing knew there was more behind his friend's visit but knew better than to pressure him into telling what's bothering him. Sully looked around the reservation as they sat down in front of the fire.

"How are things for you, Cloud Dancing?"

"They have been good, things are calm now. The tribes don't fight each other anymore. Despite some arguments, but they learn…" Sully knew how hard the medicine man had been fighting. Oh yes, he knew first hand. Sully remembered the time he was hiding from the army clearly, the agony he had caused his family.

"That's good…" Sully looked up into his friend's face.

"Cloud Dancing, can I ask you something?" Sully was still unsure how to approach the subject.

"Sure you can." Cloud Dancing nodded encouraging at his friend, urging him to go ahead.

"I've been having those dreams for some nights now. First I hear a voice, then I see the face. It belongs to a little kid, a boy. He has this really deep look and he's staring right at me and he's calling me Daddy. I know somehow that he's my kid, he has my hair and skin and he has Michaela's eyes. But we've never had a son. And he's asking why I left and that his Mom needs me." He stopped looking at his Indian friend waiting if he already had something to say. But Cloud Dancing stayed silent waiting for his friend to continue, sensing that there was more.

"It's just, I really feel as if I know that kid and he makes me feel guilty, but I don't understand the dream."

The medicine man nodded knowingly now.

"I see. You know the spirit speak to us through our dreams?"

"I know, but what are they trying to tell me?"

"That is not for me to tell. You have to figure it out on you own. But remember sometimes the spirit talk about things from our past, other times they warn us about things from our future. It might not even be the spirits; it may be the dead talking to you. These are the possibilities, which one is true is for you to find out."

Cloud Dancing closed this topic with a clap on Sully's shoulder. There wasn't anything more to say about that. The rest was Sully's turn and no one else's. So they began talking about other things like how things went for the medicine man or for Sully, how the kids were doing. They talked about Dorothy and Cloud Dancing and the troubles they still had and all the time one thought never left Sully's mind.

_What if the kid was the son Michaela had lost while he was hiding from the army?_

**°°°°°**

_Hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's not really good, but I wanted it to be posted. The next one's gonna be better…I promise!_

_Anne_


	7. Chapter 7 And everything changed

**Chapter 7 – And everything changed**

_Date: ** Spring 1867 **Location: **train from /Washington to Grayville/ Illinois**_

_They were sitting close together each of them enjoying the other's company. It seemed as if life couldn't get any better. She thanked God every day that He gave her this man. She looked at him with big eyes and he slightly squeezed her hand, noticing from the corner of his eyes. They were beginning their new life and he couldn't wait. Her family hadn't been very understanding and he knew she still struggled with their opinion of him. He felt sorry for all the sorrow he had caused her, but he loved her and he knew for sure that it went both ways. It would have been easier for her to stay with her family. But she had decided in his favour and he appreciated that highly. He only hoped he could give her the life she deserved._

"_How long 'til we're there?" She asked quietly._

"_Not much longer now." He loved how excited she was. She had so much reason to be sad, angry, depressed, but she only seemed to look forward to her new life, their new life. What he didn't know was why she was talking so much. She was nervous. When they arrived they would finally spend the first night as husband and wife together. She didn't know what to expect and consequently didn't know if she should be afraid or excited. He seemed oblivious to her inner struggle._

She remembered that day clearly as if it had been yesterday. She remembered sitting close to him during their trip east and trying to picture what their life would be like. She was happy then. By that time she had thought it was the happiest day of her life. She dwelled on that day, tried to see just this one day when thinking about him. Yes, they had been happy, they both. But she couldn't help but remember the day when everything changed. It was exactly 19 days after they had married.

"_Hey, I'm glad you're home. I missed you." She smiled broadly when he walked through the door. He had been away all day working and she had stayed home. For most of the time she had been busy cleaning the house, working in the garden and cooking supper for them, but when there was nothing to do, she found herself thinking about him. And she missed him already. _It's just one day, he'll be back tonight!_ She scolded herself._

"_I missed you too." He responded and took her lovingly in his arms. "That surely smells good, sweetheart." He kissed her on the cheek and then went upstairs to get cleaned up and change out of his working clothes. By the time he came back downstairs the table was already set and supper ready to be consumed. They sat down to eat and she asked him about his day, he didn't, since he already knew what she was doing all day. They talked about the news in town and how it grew day by day._

"_We're not even here that long and I already feel that it's changing." She admitted. They had been there only 19 days, but every day new people where arriving and she just couldn't keep up with all the new faces. Well, she wasn't actually in town that much, that made it even harder, but she liked it better, when she knew the people around her._

"_Change doesn't mean it's bad." He answered curtly. He was very sensitive to that topic, since new people meant more business for him. After that they ate in silence. When she looked up at him once she noticed him looking at her. She felt a twinge. _How was she gonna tell him? _She new that look, she had seen it every night up to now. When she finished eating she kept herself busy by cleaning the kitchen, washing the dishes, making sure all the windows were closed and the door locked. He had disappeared upstairs a little while ago and she started hoping that he had already gone to bed and might be asleep by now. So she climbed the stairs and went to their bedroom. When she opened it, he didn't react, so she quickly but quietly changed into her nightgown and slipped under the covers. She was half asleep when she felt the bed move. _Oh no!_ She thought. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she just couldn't. She felt his hand reach for her and draw her in his arms. He wanted her, he made that clear! When she didn't react like all the other nights he stopped for a second._

"_What's wrong?" He asked slightly disappointed._

"_Nothing. It's just…I can't…" Her voice trailed off. She was embarrassed and didn't know what to say._

"_What do you mean you can't?" He demanded, his voice rising._

"_I…I just…just got my monthly today." She replied silently._

_He sat up immediately turning his back on her. She sat up too and put her hand on his back._

"_I'm sorry." She whispered._

"_Sorry?" He yelled, "You're getting me in the mood and everything and now you're turning me down?"_

"_I'm sorry, but this isn't anything I could control." She screamed back at him._

_Then the sound of skin meeting skin with full force filled the air and was followed by deadly silence right away. She stared at him not knowing what to do, what to say, how to act._

"_You're gonna regret this." He said glaring at her, grabbing his clothes and storming out of the house. She watched him ride off toward town from the window, the tears making their way down her bruised cheek._

The memory of that night still made her cry. It was the first time she learned what it meant to really get hurt. She wasn't just hurt physically but also mentally. Never had she thought he would ever raise his hand to her. _This wasn't the man she knew. This wasn't the man she had married. Was he fooling her into marriage all along? Was her body the only thing he wanted?_ She recalled her thought and feelings of that night. She still didn't have the answers to some of those questions, but there were others where she didn't want to know the answers anymore. And there were answers she knew but she would rather forget. _Did he only want her body? _That's what she thought after that night. He had come home hours later, drunk and strange perfume still clinging to him. She knew he had been at the saloon. And she knew exactly what he ad been doing there. After that night, she gave him her body whenever he demanded for it, but she never again gave her soul. They didn't talk much after that and he changed completely. It was as if he somehow knew she was withdrawing from him. He knew why but he couldn't help himself. She was his wife and she had to be obedient. He noticed her changing behaviour, how she didn't talk to him anymore, how she didn't beam when he entered a room and it bothered him. She was supposed to love him! So he started beating her not only when he couldn't have her but also when she was not as happy-looking and friendly to him as he wished. There were times when she had bruises all over her face. When people in town started talking about them, staring at her and whispering when they neared, he decided that they would move. Arizona. She couldn't believe what he was saying. She had her friends in Grayville. She didn't want to leave. Yet, she knew she had no say in that matter. So they moved. It was tough on her. The beating continued and there were times when he locked her up in their new home. It wasn't as big as their old one. It was just an old shack. When she was bruised really badly, he wouldn't let her leave the house, for he knew he could get into trouble for that. He would lock her in and leave. Sometimes she was alone for the whole day. He would return late at night, drunk and strange perfume clinging to him, like it had the first night. And he would take her and she couldn't do anything against it.


	8. Chapter 8 A friend

**Some things Chapter 8 – A friend**

_Date: **Friday, September 23, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

The fire was crackling in the fireplace of the big house. It was the only sound that emanated. Darkness had come over the town about half an hour ago and no one seemed to be on the streets anymore. Tessa wondered where her husband was. He was supposed to be home by 5. They would be late for the party and she knew that she was going to get the blame for it. She had kept herself busy with some knitting and reading. The changes he wanted her to do on his suit were done long ago. She had Jennifer start a fire, though she knew she probably wouldn't need it tonight, since they were going out. If he would ever come home! She once again looked at the big clock and shook her head. When she started to get tired and thought about retiring for the night, she heard his steps on the front door. Since Jennifer had already left for tonight, she got up and let him in.

"Hey, sweetheart." He kissed her on the cheek while stepping through the door.

"I'm sorry I'm late." He admitted.

"It's okay, do you still want to go to Bennet's?" She asked him silently hoping he would say no, but he didn't.

"Oh I met Bennet on my way home, seems they were starting later than I thought, so we're still on time. Of course, I wanna go, he's my friend."

"Well, your suit's all done. You can wear it tonight if you want to. I'll just go upstairs and change."

"Alright, but please hurry."

They sat in silence as they drove to Sam's friend's house. Tessa had her head leaning against the side of the carriage fighting to keep her eyes open. Just a few minutes after they got into the carriage this overwhelming feeling of tiredness came over her. No she was sitting there with her eyes falling closed every few seconds. From time to time she would sit up straight and shake her head. But after she had done that a couple of times, Sam had looked at her curiously and asked her if everything was alright.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you." She had just answered.

After that she sat still fighting even harder against the sleep that was threatening to claim her.

"We're here." She heard his voice a couple of minutes later.

She almost jumped when he reached for her, wanting to help her out of the carriage. She really had fallen asleep for a moment there. She scolded herself and reached for his hand.

"Thank you." She forced a smile despite her uneasiness. She felt insecure on her feet when she stepped out on the street but she didn't let him notice. Looking up at the big mansion they were going into, she swallowed hard. This was going to be a long night. She sighed and followed Sam up the steps.

Tessa was sitting in the corner of a big red couch. She was nipping slowly on her glass of champagne. It tasted horrible. She was already exhausted after just 2 hours at that party. The 5 dances with several men didn't do much for her tiredness and queasiness. She hadn't danced with Bennet yet and when she saw him smiling at her she knew it wouldn't take long 'til he came over to ask her for a dance. She was so fixed on waiting for Bennet to come over that she didn't even notice her own husband making his way through the room to her side.

"Sweetheart, may I have this dance?" She heard his voice and felt his hand on her shoulder just an instant later. She looked up at him and smiled. Taking this as a yes he took the glass out of her hand and placed on one of the nearby tables. Then he turned around and took her hand in his smiling at her. They danced to a slow waltz, what she was thankful for. She felt lightly dizzy and was already scolding herself for drinking the champagne. She closed her eyes for a moment her feet moving without her telling them. She loved to dance, but how did she know? She couldn't remember ever having danced with Sam. He was a good dancer. His feet were moving with the rhythm, not one wrong step. He wasn't holding her too close, nor was he holding her too far away. It seemed almost as if he had studied how to dance. When Tessa opened her eyes again, she saw Bennet standing next to them. They abruptly stopped.

"May I take over?" Bennet asked in his charming voice reaching out for Tessa's hand.

She looked at Sam first, but when he smiled she nodded. Bennet led her slowly back into the rhythm of the waltz and she couldn't help but notice how handsome he actually looked. Tessa wondered why he didn't have a wife. His brown hair and the matching brown eyes made her way into her heart. Oh no, she wasn't falling for him, but he immediately evoked feelings of friendship in her. She trusted him even though she never met him before. So thinking about him, this sense of calmness filling her at being in the arms of someone she trusted she even forgot how tired and dizzy she had been only moments earlier.

Bennet noticed that Tessa was staring at him and wondered what she was thinking. She smiled slightly and mustered his hair and his eyes. He felt a slow blush creep over his face at her unwavering gaze. She didn't even seem to notice what she was doing, so he decided to play a little game with her.

"You know, I really feel honoured." He whispered, so the other guest dancing around them wouldn't hear.

"I beg your pardon?" She said snapping out of her reverie not understanding what he was referring to.

"I said, I feel honoured to have you full attention. Or so it seemed at least." He chuckled. He could really understand Sam, that lucky fella.

"I have to admit I can't follow you." She answered at his statement still not understanding fully what he was telling her, but having noticed that she didn't pay any attention to him at all.

"Well, you were staring at me. And though I would love to stare back at you like that I don't think that would be appropriate with your husband standing over there." Bennet smiled at her, letting her know that it was alright. But she couldn't help the deep blush forming on her face at his statement. She wasn't used to such compliments, but when her gaze shifted from Bennet over to the edge of the dance floor she saw Sam standing there watching them closely. Her blush deepened right away and she stared at her feet. Bennet noticed and decided to let her off the hook.

"Hey Tessa?" He asked gently.

"Yes?" She looked up at him curiously.

"Is he treating you good?" He wanted to know, honest concern in his eyes.

"What…" She didn't know what to answer. The Truth? She had just met him and he was her husbands friend not hers.

Bennet saw her hesitating and knew at that instant that his assumption was right. He looked at his friend, still staring at them, then back to his wife.

"I mean, I know Sam pretty good by now and I know he can get very…well, irritating. You deserve to be treated well, you know? I don't want to get you into any trouble but I'm not only his friend now, I'm your friend too." He said sincerely as if reading her thoughts.

She hesitated a moment before lifting her head and looking at him, a smile creeping over her face. How long has it been since someone was so friendly to her?

"Thank you." She whispered then only seconds later, "Bennet, why don't you have a wife?"

He opened his mouth to answer, then shut it again, contemplating his answer. She noticed and regretted her question right then.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" She uttered.

"Oh, no it's alright. It's just been along time." He said squeezing her hands lightly. He didn't know how much she knew about Sam's life before her, but he decided not to tell her everything.

"I had a fiancée when I was much younger. She was the love of my life and I don't think I could ever replace her." She saw the hurt in his eyes and something inside her stirred, remembered. She didn't know what it was, but she knew that feeling.

"I don't know why, but I think I know what you mean." She answered. This time it was her turn to smile at him.

"Tell me about her!" Somehow she felt that it was alright to ask him that. Bennet didn't seem to mind any of her questions. He seemed to answer them all honestly.

"She had this long dark hair that was shining in the sun and changed colours. It was slightly curled and when she wore it open it was flying in the wind caressing her face. She had a lovely face. With those dark hazel eyes and her mouth turned slightly up in the corners. She always seemed to be smiling even if she was sad or angry. I think it was her smile that made me fall for her in the first place. She always smiled at me and I wish I could hold that smile forever." He was dreaming about her know, seeing her face before him while he was talking about her. He wasn't paying any attention to the woman in his arms until he felt her weight grow heavier.

She listened to his daydreams noticing how his face beamed while talking about her. Yes, she could clearly see that he had loved that woman, that he still loved her. She wondered what had happened, why they didn't marry. But her focus soon shifted when she felt the dizziness return and watched the room begin to spin. She wanted to open her mouth, wanted to stop dancing and sit down, but her body didn't react to her anymore. Bennet was still talking, but stooped and looked at her worriedly. The last thing she saw before unconsciousness gripped her was his worried face and his mouth opening and closing, forming words that never made it through to her mind.


	9. Chapter 9 Finding Comfort

**Chapter 9 – Finding Comfort**

Sam ran to his wife when he saw her falling. He saw the look in his friends face and wondered what these two had been talking about.

"What did you do to her?" Sam asked furiously, taking Tessa in his arms and storming for the couch.

He put her down on the red couch. Bennet followed closely behind, not wanting to leave Tessa alone now, yet not daring to say anything. So he kept his distance and watched as Sam tried to wake his wife up. Slowly she came to and looked around the room confused.

"I think it's best we go home, sweetheart." She nodded slightly, not fully registering his words but let him help her get up and walk to the front door. When Bennet came to help her stand up and walk, Sam blocked his way.

"Keep you hands off my wife." He warned with an icy glare.

""You don't know what you're doing, Sam." He simply answered. Bennet didn't know Tessa very well, but from her subdued demeanour when they came to talk about Sam and the look in her eyes, Bennet could easily tell what was going on. And he definitely didn't like it. In this short amount of time that he knew Tessa, he came to like her very much and never would he allow Sam to lay a hand on her again. Not if he could help it.

**°°°°°**

"Sweetheart, I think it's best I examine you fully." Sam stated after seeing nothing wrong with his wife.

"I don't think, that's necessary. I feel fine really." She answered, not being completely comfortable with him examining her after what happened the last time.

"I said it's necessary and I am the doctor here, so I am going to do a throughout examination." He stepped closer to her. Tessa was sitting on the edge of the bed knowing it wouldn't pay to resist him.

"Just let me go change…" She stated.

**°°°°°**

Tessa was lying still as Sam did his examination, she couldn't remember ever having to do anything that awful and dishonouring. She watched her husband's face and wondered what was wrong. For a while his features didn't change at all, they stayed the same cold expressionless face that stared back at her at night. She raised her eyebrows in surprise when his face suddenly lit up and broke in a wide smile. He looked at her for a second then down again. Quickly he finished, washed his hands and came back to her side. He laid a hand on hers.

"Sweetheart, I have good news. Nothing is wrong with you. Actually everything is quite alright." He began.

"I don't understand…" She admitted, slightly irritated by his unusual mood.

"Tessa, we are going to have a baby, you are pregnant." With that he took her in his arms and squeezed her kissed her gently.

"I would say you're about 6 weeks along. That means out baby is due in June. Isn't that fantastic?"

"Yes that's fantastic…" She answered automatically, not sure if it indeed was so fantastic.

**°°°°°**

_Date**: late 1867**Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

She stood up slowly. For a couple of month now, it had been harder and harder for her to get up and walk around. She so wished this pregnancy would finally be over. When the hoof beats outside the house stopped she opened the door and stepped outside.

"Wait, wait…don't look! It's a surprise." He shouted over to her.

He jumped down from his horse and grabbed what he had tied on it behind him.

"I ordered it weeks ago from Chicago. It just came in today." He walked over to his very pregnant wife with the huge package in his arms. When he stood right in front of her he stopped and held the surprise out for her.

"Surprise, sweetheart." He said softly, lovingly.

Tessa slowly opened her eyes. She was curious what the huge package contained. Her face broke into a huge grin. She loved it when Sam was so excited about something, something that had to do with their family. Sam put the package down on the porch, so she could sit down and unwrap it. He couldn't help but smile broadly. He wondered what she was going to say at his gift to her, to their family.

"I had it made in Chicago, you know, so there's only this one. No one else has the same." He stated proud of himself.

Tessa sad down carefully and started unwrapping the gift. The brown paper came down slowly and revealed at first something blue, a cream blue, like the sky, then some more. When finally all the paper was removed she could lay eyes on a beautiful cream-blue crib. She marvelled at the beautiful design and the care which it was made with.

"Oh Sam…" she gasped, "…it's beautiful. Thank you." She swung her arms around him, smiling broadly. This was good, this was so good.

When she swung her arms around him her eyes fell on something. There was more to this crib, something she hadn't seen before. She held on to him, not wanting to let that happy moment go, yet not sure how to hold it as her eyes were fixed on the crib. _What if I let him down? _She thought to herself. He seemed so happy at that very moment, she didn't want to ruin the moment, didn't want to make him angry again, so she kept her mouth shut and cherished the happy moment she had now. Though her eyes stayed fixed on the feature of the crib. It just wouldn't let her go…


	10. Chapter 10 Decisions

**Chapter 10 – Decisions**

_Date: **September 1872**Location:** Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

"Hey Sully" Robert E acknowledged his friend's arrival.

"Robert E" Sully nodded to his friend.

"How you're doing?" The black smith asked knowingly.

"We're holding up." Sully shifted the weight of his daughters light body from his one arm to the other. "Just been thinking a lot lately." He added.

Robert E stopped and looked up from his word. He grabbed the cloth lying beside the hearth and wiped his hands off.

"You wanna sit down for a coffee and lunch?" He asked, sensing that his friend might need someone to talk to.

"Na, that's fine." Sully didn't know what to talk about, so he refused to sit down and analyze his feelings, though he knew Robert E wasn't that kind of a person.

"Oh come on, lunch goes on Grace." He laughed clapping Sully on the back with his hand.

Sully nodded deciding that Katie might want to see her godmother and a piece of pie for her and lunch and coffee for himself didn't sound too bad after all. They walked over to the café and as soon as they came into view Grace smiled broadly and walked over to take Katie into her arms. It was god to see her again after such along time. Katie giggled when Grace tickled her side and walked away with her to get the coffee for the men.

"So what you've been thinking about, huh?" Robert E asked as Grace left the table.

"Well, just that…well….perhaps people are right…" Sully immediately was interrupted by his friend.

"Don't tell me you believe them, when they say Dr. Mike left you on purpose?" Robert E was shocked. He had always thought he knew both of his friends really good, but now he had to admit he didn't know what was going on.

"NO…I didn't mean it like that. It's just…well…dunno really how to say that…she's been gone for an awful while now…and…" Sully had to take a deep breath, this was hard to say. He had been thinking about it ever since he had come back to a missing Katie. "…and…there was no trace of her at all…and I guess what I wanna say is that I should consider staying home with Katie. You know, taking care of her and the family that's left here. Brian's doing a great job here, but it's my job to raise my daughter not his. It's not fair to expect that of him." Robert E nodded understandingly.

This was a hard decision. His best friend's family was split up. Sully had the choice. He could either go looking for his wife, even though there was only a small, almost no chance to find her, or stay home with his daughter and his son and give up the possibility of finding his wife. Robert E and Grace both loved the town's doctor very much, but from their point of view they could see the whole thing a little bit more realistic and truth to be know, there were no signs of Dr. Mike coming back and though it hurt to think about it, they had to consider the possibility that she wasn't even alive anymore. But it was not Robert E's place to give his friend advice. He couldn't tell him what to do. That was Sully's decision all alone.

"Whatever you decide you're gonna do, we'll be here and help." Robert E said.

"Well of course we're gonna help…whatever it is we help with." Grace said glancing disapprovingly at her husband for promising things for her without her being there, though Robert E knew she wasn't angry at him. She wanted to help Sully just as much as he did.

"Here's your coffee, gentlemen. What can I bring you for lunch?" She asked smiling at both of them and then Katie, who was now sitting next to her father.

"I think we're gonna have meatloaf and little Katie here sure wants a piece of apple pie, right?" Sully answered looking expectantly at his daughter. He knew apple pie for lunch wasn't the best decision, but just seeing her face light up was worth the trouble he would have every day at lunch time now. The little girl clapped her hands together and smiled broadly at the sound of her favourite dish.

"Just like her Ma." Grace smiled and left to get the order.

"Ma?" Katie asked with big eyes looking at Sully.

She hadn't asked for her Ma in a long time now and Sully almost thought she was forgetting her. He tried his best to show her pictures and tell the little girl about her Ma, but he started to believe that she couldn't remember her.

"Yeah, your Ma like apple pie for lunch very much, Katie." He just answered. When Robert E looked at Sully's interaction with his daughter he noticed the change in his friend. When he had come home other times, just stopping by before leaving again, he acted differently with Katie. Somehow Robert E knew that Sully would stay this time. But there were things he would have to do if he stayed.

"Sully?" He started.

"Hmm?" Sully looked at him curiously.

"What if you stay? I mean, you're gonna need money. You now if you want us to watch after Katie whenever you have to work, I'm sure we can arrange that." Robert E offered.

Sully swallowed, though he had already made up his mind, the thought of going to work again overwhelmed him a little bit. That would mean it was permanent. Sure he would need the money, but if he worked he wouldn't have time to look for Michaela anymore, not even the possibility to just leave. But he could understand and appreciated his friend's thinking.

"Thanks, Robert E. We're fine for now, but I'll come to your offer if I need to." He said.

With that the matter was closed and they talked about other things. Later Grace joined them for a little while and they even laughed. Katie had a great time and enjoyed being with her Pa and her godparents. Sully watched his daughter closely. She became more and more like her Ma every day. He had been wrong. He did not lose his wife. She was right here, right beside him. She was laughing and enjoying life, not bothering about anything or anyone. He might not be able to talk to her or hold her at night, but she was there. She was a part of his daughter and she would forever be with them.

**°°°°°**

_Date: **1872**Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

The morning air was crisp and cold and a light layer of fog was lying on the streets. He knew has was up early and she probably might not even be home, but he wanted to make sure she was alright. When he arrived at her doorstep he hesitated a moment, figuring that if Sam was at him that could get himself and Tessa into trouble. But a servant would open the door anyway, he could ask if Sam was home and if he was he would just leave. So he knocked on the big wooden door. After several moments of absolute silence, except for some hoof beats from the streets, he heard foot steps inside the house. When the door opened he was surprised to see Tessa herself standing there. From the look on her face she too was surprised to see him.

"Bennet, what are you doing here? And at that time of the day?" She stated out the obvious glancing at the still fog-covered street that was just beginning to get busy.

"First of all, is Sam home?" He asked urgently, not wanting to be surprised by him too.

"No he had to leave early to go to the hospital, but I can tell him you were here." She offered.

"NO…No, that's not necessary. Actually I wanted to see you." He admitted finally, relieved that his "friend" wasn't home.

"Well, come in then! I just made tea if you want some. Or coffee? I can make coffee if you want." She walked into the kitchen and Bennet noticed that no one was there. He was surprised. He would have expected Sam to have servants. Tessa turned around at not receiving a reply from him. Seeing his view roam around the room she knew what he must be thinking.

"The servants aren't here yet. You really had an early start today." She stated matter-of-factly smiling at him.

"Oh yes, that's true. You don't have to make coffee just for me. I can drink tea. But you're not drinking coffee? You don't look like the tea drinking type." He said winking at her.

"Oh, normally I drink coffee, just not at the moment." She said turning around with a broad smile.

Bennet didn't even get her last statement and sat down at the kitchen table as she walked over with two cups in her hands.

"I came by to make sure you're alright. I got worried when you just fainted yesterday. Everything is alright, isn't it?" Bennet's voice was full of worry and Tessa had to laugh at his obvious concern over her.

"Yes, everything is alright. Sam and I are actually going to have a baby." She said.

Bennet looked up from his cup. He looked at her wondering if she was happy about it or not. She smiled though he could see uncertainty in her eyes. He wondered how Sam had taken the news. Well, he probably was more than happy. Another chance for an heir.

"He was so happy. You should have seen his face." Tessa sad chuckling

"And what about you?" Bennet asked seeing through her mask.

"Me?" She asked not understanding what that had to do with everything. She was Sam's wife. It was her duty to give him children after all.

"Yes, you. Are you happy about it?" Bennet didn't understand why this woman had married a man like Sam. He was his friend yes, or he used to be a long time ago, but Bennet knew him and it worried him to see Tessa like this. Faking to be happy in a life where she was not.

"Of course I am happy. What a question." She said smiling at Bennet, lying a hand over his on the table, as if to tell him not to worry too much about her.

"But what's new with you? Did you meet a nice lady at your party?" She was curious what had happened after they had left.

"Yes, indeed. She is gorgeous. I couldn't get her out of my head after she had left." Bennet stated staring at Tessa. She smiled at him oblivious to his compliment.

"That's great. I hope to meet her someday."

"I hope you do, too." Bennet smiled to himself. She could be so clueless…


	11. Chapter 11 Hands

**Chapter 11 – Hands**

_Hands. There are hands. Delicate, small, pale hands running over smooth surfaces. The first time? No, they touched those surfaces a million times every day. The last time? Possibly, they don't know for sure. That's why they feel. They need to remember. _

_Steps. There's the sound of footsteps. Silent, careful footsteps. They don't want to break anything. The first time? No, they know their way. They've gone it a million times every day. They don't need eyes. The last time? Possibly, they don't know for sure. That's why they walk. They need to remember._

_Eyes. Unseen they observe everything. They watch the hands, they are full of emotions, hold back. Rivers running inside. They don't need to be open. They can see in the darkness. But they watch. The first time? No, they've seen it a million times every day. The last time? Possibly, they don't know for sure. That's why they watch. They need to remember._

_She stands still looking out into the yard. She doesn't need to feel the surfaces again, doesn't need to walk around the house again, doesn't need to see everything again. But she wants to. It's her home. Her first own home. She wants to make sure she will remember. She doesn't want to leave, but he will make her. They had become a family here. All her memories with them, with their mother are here. The good ones. There are no good memories in that place. She died there. They don't want to live there. It used to be their home. Their mother's home. They surely don't want to live there. She doesn't want to live there. He won't come as often. He doesn't like town. That's not his home. This isn't either. Not anymore. But he was here. His scent is here. His heart died here. He gave her his heart here. She gave him her heart here. Their hearts are here. Somehow. They can't just leave. But they will. And she will smile. It'll be alright, for the kids. She will smile. The dams won't break. The rivers will keep running inside._

**°°°°°**

_Date: **October 2, 1972**Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

She sat up in bed drenched in sweat. Why did her dreams have to be so confusing? A series of deep, long breath helped her over her initial reaction to her dream. She couldn't understand all those feelings. She was seeing hands and feet and parts of that body, which seemed to be a woman. She knew those hands. Those delicate pale hands. And she remembered those feelings. That deep sadness, the helplessness, the desperation. But she couldn't remember. Who was this woman, why could she remember her feelings? Tessa let her eyes wander around the room. His side of the bed was empty, but the sheets were crumpled and still slightly warm. He must have left just minutes ago. The door was closed. He was probably working early again. Her eyes continued to wander.

Hands. There are hands. Small hands hanging at the sides of a small figure playing with the material of the pants. Nervous hands. She's seen these hands before. She remembers these hands. But she doesn't now them.

"Mommy?" He speaks, his voice soft, hanging in the air like that of an angel.

She looks at him. He is an angel, she reminded herself. He's not real, he's not here.

"Mommy, are you alright?" His voice is full of concern. He has his father's voice.

"Yes darling, I just had a dream." She smiles at him.

"Dreams are not just dreams. It's the spirits trying to tell us something." He has his father's sincerity, too. His father is a wise man. His father is a gentle man. A gentleman.

"I remembered something." She says simply.

"Did you remember Daddy?" He asks. His face is beaming. He loves his Daddy. He's never met his daddy. His daddy doesn't know him.

"I'll always remember Daddy." She answers. She doesn't know who his Daddy is. She knows him and she remembers him, but she doesn't know who he is.

"Daddy was here to get you. Daddy wanted to bring you home." The boy smiled. His eyes are wide. He's hoping, wishing, dreaming, dreading the day when his Daddy will take her home. He will meet his Daddy, but he will never hug his Daddy. His Daddy will never kiss him. His Daddy will never tug him in at night. His Daddy will never sing him a lullaby. His Daddy doesn't think he can sing well enough to be a lullaby-singer. But he would sing for him. But he never will. His Daddy will never teach him how to ride. His Daddy will never go fishing with him.

She remembers the day at the strain station. The man. She had known that man. She had known that is was his Daddy. But he was gone. She doesn't know if he will come back. She doesn't want to break the boy's heart.

"Daddy will come back, I promise." How can she promise? She doesn't know his Daddy is. What if he knew about them and didn't want them? Her heart knows she's wrong. Her heart knows he's mourning them. Is he mourning them? Does he know about the boy?

**°°°°°**

Sam was standing at the door. He couldn't look inside though it was slightly ajar. But he could hear her speak. At first he thought she was talking to their unborn baby, but he soon realized there must be someone else in the room. She was talking to someone about their Daddy. Was she hallucinating again? No, he couldn't let that happen. It couldn't go a far as the last time. He had to do something. He turned around and went to his desk. He scribbled a note on it.

_Tessa in relapse. Make everything ready. We'll be there around noon. Sam Lloyd._

He took the paper and gave it to one of his servants. Sam instructed him to bring the letter to the mental home and give it to one of his colleagues who had been working on Tessa's case the last time. He wouldn't let her go crazy. He would heal her. They would have a good life. Someday!

**°°°°°**

As always, feedback is appreciated. Sorry it's so short.


	12. Chapter 12 Andrea

**Chapter 12 – Andrea**

_Date: **Wednesday, November 9, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon – mental home**_

She was standing in the doorway watching the pretty lady who was staring out into the garden. For days now she hadn't done anything else. She was really curious to why that woman was here for. When she saw the woman moving slightly, she decided to go over and talk to her.

Tessa looked out the window into the beautiful garden. Something in that garden caught her attention and she couldn't avert her gaze for hours. She knew how crazy she must seem for sitting at that window day after day. Once again the dozen rose bushes in the far right corner of that garden caught her eye. There was something familiar to roses. _Of course, _she scolded herself,_ roses are everywhere. No wonder they are familiar. _Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that there was a deeper meaning to roses. She just couldn't understand. They were just roses, nothing special. Every time when she looked at roses she got this feeling of belonging. Sometimes she would close her eyes and see vast land full of nothing. But full. When she turned around in those day dreams she saw a huge house. Not huge compared to the houses in Portland, but somehow she sensed that it must be huge to the houses of that region it was built in.

There he was. He was always there. He was there when she smelled the ocean. He was there whenever she closed her eyes during the day. He filled her dreams when she succumbed to sleep at night. If she did. She could see the love in his eyes. And she could almost feel the love and passion radiating from his form. It were scenes like these that overwhelmed her almost daily.

She wondered what had changed since the last time she had been here. Everything had changed. The last time she had been anxious to get out of here. But not this time. This time there was nothing to look forward to. Actually she was scared to go back. Here she could give in to her dreams. She didn't have to pretend to be someone she didn't know if she could be. Tessa looked down at her slightly producing belly. It couldn't be seen, but she knew.

This time she had someone to protect.

A lonely tear silently made its way down her left cheek. This time she was aware that there was someone and she was aware that this someone needed protection. She lifted her left hand, her right one still resting on her belly, and wiped the wetness from her face. Why did it suddenly cost so much strength to make such a simple move? She knew why. Now she knew that everything was just a dream, just her imagination. Yet her heart screamed at her that this wasn't something a healthy mind could just make up.

A healthy mind!

That was the problem. She couldn't be sure about that anymore. She sighed heavily, the difficulty of her situation constantly on her mind. Her shoulders just fell when she felt a hand on one of them. The hand touched her only slightly, letting the fingertips, but only them, brush over the material of her blouse as if knowing how to approach her, how it felt to be approached like that. She tensed up anyway, fearing he might have come again. She took a deep breath, dreading the moment when she would turn around, playing for time before she would _have_ to turn around and look at his face. And then she turned her head.

When Tessa finally turned her head she was surprised to see a friendly, female face smiling at her. Somehow all other patients sensed that she didn't want any contact.

"Hey, my name's Andrea. I hope you don't mind coming over like that." The woman still smiled.

She must have been somewhere in her 20s or 30s. Her eyes were a greyish blue with deep wrinkles around them. _Worn,_ Tessa thought,_ the woman looked worn._ Her mouth turned slightly down in the corners as if she never had much to laugh and her hair didn't look very healthy either. The colour was a mix somewhere between light brown and blonde, but it couldn't be told anymore if it was natural of which colour was fading into the other. Tessa looked up at her confusion written in her gaze and even more so when Andrea took the seat next to her. Obviously she was planning on spending more than just a few minutes with her and sharing more than just a couple of kind words.

"I'm sorry. I can go if you mind, but I just thought you look like you could use some company and well…I've never seen you with anyone else before." Andrea said, more asking for permission to stay than stating facts.

Tessa only nodded. To be honest, she didn't care either way. People only asked questions anyway and as long as Andrea didn't ask anything of her she couldn't be bothered. Thought, somehow she sensed that this was going to be more than just a few minutes standing the presence of this woman. Something in the look of her, the sympathy radiating from her mouth when she spoke and her form when she moved made Tessa acknowledge her more than she had acknowledged any person since she had returned to this godforsaken place.

_Location: **Lloyd household**_

"Bennet, what are you doing here?" Sam asked his eyes widened in shock not having expected his friend.

Bennet hesitated a moment registering Sam's reaction to his presence.

"Well, I...I came to visit you and Therese." He hoped Sam bought his lie.

Well, it was just partly a lie. He came to see Tessa, not Sam. Something about her made him constantly think about her. He thought for a moment, when he was dancing with her, that he had seen something like fierceness, a fire behind those tired eyes. She must have been happy once. She had those wrinkles that people only get when they laugh a lot and the way she seemed to trust him almost immediately let him know that there was a strong-willed and smart, yet somehow naive person inside.

"Tessa's not here, but please come in." Sam gestured into the huge house.

Bennet figured that if he just waited stayed long enough she would return eventually. He knew that it had to be enough to look at her, share some simple, meaningless words. But even just a quick glance at her would suffice, he lied to himself, just to refresh his memory.

Not that he was in need of that.

Bennet started some casual conversation so Sam wouldn't know immediately why he was really here.

_Location: **Colorado Spring/ Colorado**_

"Loren Bray, you did what?"

"Wasn't my idea!" He replied grumpily, not liking to be the center of Dorothy's anger.

"And who had this stupid idea, if I may ask?"

"I'm not gonna tell you," He answered oblivious to himself gesturing iacross the street. "You're just gonna go over there and get ME into trouble."

Dorothy followed the direction his hand was pointing to and smiled knowinlgy.

"Oh Loren, everyone knows that you can't keep things to yourself and believe me, you are in trouble!" She cast him an icy stare leaving the mercantille in the direction of the barber shop.

Loren looked after her sighing heavily. Why couldn't he just keep his big mouth shut? Dorothy'd go over there now and give Jake a huge piece of her mind. The old man didn't even want to think about his next meeting with Jake and Hank. He knew they would make fun of him again.

"Jake." The barber turned around at the strong but soft voice coming from the door of his shop. He was just finishing up a costumer and several others were waiting to get shaved.

"Not now, Dorothy, don't you see that I'm busy?"

"I don't think this can wait. How do you dare talking to the reverend about something like this? The simple idea is ridiculous."

"Loren, you old fool..." Jake muttered under his breath glancing over to the mercantille.

"Oh Jake, you know Loren. I'm glad I found out about this early enough to stop you." Jake's eyes darted to hers.

"What do you mean, stop us. This is not a stupid idea, it's a good one. Remember, we did it for Dr. Mike...you thought it was a good idea then." Jake challenged her.

"Yea, and we all know how that turned out, right?" Dorothy raised her eye brows in a query.

"It's not our fault they lied to us, is it?" With that the topic was closed for Jake.

Dorothy turned around in disgust, knowing she couldn't change Jake's mind just yet. So she walked back to her Gazette not without slowing down in front of the clinic sighing heavily and wondering if there was indeed something right about what the men were talking about. She wondered what the reverend's opinion had been about it. When her eyes travelled the street and they met Hank's. All of a sudden all thoughts about this inappropriate topic were gone when she saw the smirk on the bartender's face. She shook her head, knowing perfectly well that he must have been part in that conversation and what his opinion must have been. Though Dorothy knew that Hank had at least some respect for the town's lady doctor she also knew that he never kept his not always proper comments to himself.

When she entered the room she stopped dead in her tracks. Brian was standing at the press printing the newest edition of the Gazette.

"Brian, what are you doing here?" Dorothy asked gently.

"I needed to keep busy and there's nothing else to do at home so I figured I could as well come here and help you. Do you mind?" Brian asked pleading her to let him stay.

Dorothy observed him carefully. She knew he had a hard time too. The young man didn't get as much attention from his father as he was used to and as he needed right now. Dorothy wondered how Brian was coping with everything. Sure she couldn't send him away but she wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have him in town as long as the men were still talking about this stupid idea.

Brian noticed Dorothy staring at him not knowing what to say. He knew perfectly well why she hesitated to let him stay. Of course, she didn't mind the extra help and she would never send him away without a good reason, but he also knew that she had always wanted to protect him from harm.

"Don't you worry, Miss Dorothy, I've already met Hank..." He said his head hanging low.

"Oh my, come here Brian..." With that she took the young man in her arms.

He might have grown a lot, but she could still read him like an open book and she could clearly see that he needed a warming hug now. A hug that his mother couldn't give him. She remembered well the desperation when he had lost his real mother, his inner conflict between wanting Dr. Mike as a mother and hating her for taking them in. But he had grown to love her like his own mother. She had been the woman who had raised him, who had been there in the hardest moments of his young life. When the lady doctor was abducted by the dog soldiers Brian had feared he would lose another Ma. Dorothy had promised him it wouldn't happen again. God wasn't unfair. Now she wondered if she had been wrong. Life wasn't fair, but it most certainly wasn't to Brian.

Dorothy felt the young man shaking and wetness penetrating her blouse. He was crying hard now and clinging to her for dear life. At this moment he suddenly became the little frightened boy again, who was standing in the mercantille apologizing for accusing her of being a witch. It had been the first time that he had spoken about his true feeling concerning his mothers death and since then he had always turned to her.

"He's never talking about her...she's never asking...I don't want her to forget...I dont't want her...Want her to lose her ma..." Brian whispered.

Dorothy stroked his hair and hushed him quietly.

"It's alright. It's okay to cry, to miss her..." The red haired woman said in his ear.

"I don't want to lose another Ma...she promised...I don't want to forget..." Brian was still sobbing but he was looking at Dorothy now.

"Oh Brian, you won't ever forget her..."

"NO...you don't understand," He interrupted her, desperate now, "I can't see her face when I close my eyes, I don't hear her voice...I'm losing her and I can't stop it!"

Brian couldn't bear it anymore. He had been the strong one for the last couple of months not letting others see how much he hurt. He had taken care of Katie whenever her Pa was gone, he had told her stories about her Ma, what she looked like, how she had taken them in. But at night he would lie in his own bed and cry himself to sleep. It was so quiet. No laughter filled the house anymore. There were no quite, careful footstep in the hall, letting him know she was checking on him, even though he was too old for that. She had never told him and he never told her that he knew, but she had still come every night to watch him sleep. She had done that with all of them. Now there was this deadly silence in the house. Even the fires in the fire places seemed cold now. There was no smell of burned eggs for breakfast, no hard biscuits to break his tooth at. She wasn't there in the wing back chair when he came home late. Brian feared that he wouldn't ever get the disappointed look in her eyes again that he hated so much. What would he give to see it again now. He wanted to see her, her her voice. When he was younger he could just close his eyes and imagine her. He would see her face lit up with laughter and he would hear her talking to him, telling him stories, like she had so often done at night, sing songs to him or Katie. Sometimes he could hear her singing to Katie in her room and he would force himself to stay awake until she was done. Now he would force himself to get to sleep in hope to dream of her. But he never did. When he closed his eyes, his mind went blank. There was no lovely face, no soft voice. There was only blackness and silence.

After some minutes of holding and whispering assuring words Brian loosened his grip on Dorothy and asked her quietly if they could get back to work.

"Sure." Dorothy assured him.

They kept working for quite some time in which the editor couldn't help but cast worried glances at the young man. He wasn't smiling not once, not even when they talked about happier things. She hadn't seen him really smile in months.

"Brian?" Dorothy asked carefully, not wanting to startle him.

"Yes?" The boy didn't look up.

"What did Hank tell you?" Brian's head shot up for a split second.

"Not much really. He asked if he could have the clinic and what were gonna use for the burial...or if we're lying again." His voice trailed of at the last statement.

Dorothy didn't want anything more than go over and kill Hank at this very moment. Seeing the hurt in Brian's eyes was just too much and knowing Hank had partly caused it made her furious.

"Those men and their stupid ideas." Dorothy said shaking her head lightly.

"You think?"

"What do you mean? Don't tell me you agree with them!" Dorothy was shocked.

"Well, not with the clinic, for sure, but what if they're right. What if it helps?" Brian seemed to mean what he said, so Dorothy contemplated the thought again.

What if they were really right? So ridiculous it seemed, a burial could help all of them cope with the loss. That was exactly what they had thought when they had organized Sully's burial for Michaela. She was still sure it had been a good idea then. But this time there was no proof that the lady doctor was dead, she was just missing. _But wouldn't she have returned by now, if she was alive? _Dorothy felt guilty for thinking that way, but when even Brian thought about it...she would have to talk to Grace as soon as possible.

_Location: **Portland/ Oregon – mental home**_

"Why are you here?" Tessa wondered.

"Whoa...you're very to the point, are you?" Andrea had to smile.

They hadn't been sitting very long and the only things they were talking about were really unimportant things like the weather or the food they got. Andrea sensed that Tesssa was scared to talk about what was reall bothering her.

"I'm sorry..." Tessa said blushing heavily at her boldness.

"It's alright." Andrea took a deep breath. " I have a wonderful family, you know. My three kids are the most important things that ever happened to me. My oldest is 20, Sascha's his name, my girl Anne is 18 and my youngest is 6. Jonathan. He is the very center of our family. Sascha moved out not long ago and Anne's about to go to college."

Andrea noticed the confusion in Tessa's face.

"Doesn't sound like a reason to be here, huh?" Tessa shook her head, smiling lightly.

"Well, it's not them. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be on this earth anymore." Andrea sighed heavily. " The two oldest aren't my husband's. I was married before. I left him because he was beating me and my son. Then I met my husband. He was so sweet and really caring. I got pregnant again and our little angel was born. I think that was when everything started. I was all alone then. My husband didn't care as much as he used to. He said it was because of his work. But if you ask me it was because our Jonathan wasn't the perfect little boy he had dreamed of. He's sick and not able to do a lot of things. Anyway, I got depressed and then I even started to hurt myself. Don't ask me why. They told me it was because I couldn't let my anger out on other people so I let it out on myself. I had to learn to be myself again and not how everyone else wanted to have me. But I'm lucky, I found my way and I can go home soon."

Tessa watched her talk about the things that happened to her. Her own life seemed so protected against Andrea's, but she was still here. She admired the woman for finding her way again and something in her made her tell why hse was here. Andrea hadn't asked. She knew how it felt to be asked that question over and over again.

"I see people." Tessa said silently.

Andrea didn't understand at first and was about to say "So do I, where's the problem?" but kept her comment to herself, sensing that it was inappropriate and that there was more to come.

"My husbands says that I'm crazy. The only thing I can remember is the life I had before, but he says I just imagined it. I had this loving and caring husband and beautiful kids. Then I woke up here and they tell me I am crazy and this is my real life. I don't remember my real life or my real husband, but whenever I close my eyes I see that other family, that other man."

Tessa sighed and looked out into the garden again. After some moments of silence she started again.

"I was pregnant. It wasn't my husbands child. I lost it...I can't help but wonder whose child it was, if that other life was real. I don't know anymore. What if all this is just my imagination?"

"I used to think about that. What if all this is just a dream?" Andrea agreed.

"The problem is that I know now that I am crazy. I keep seeing that boy. He says he's waiting for his Daddy and other people can't see him. He says that other man is his Daddy. I'm thinking that maybe if this boy is just my imagination my other life also is..." Tessa's head was hanging low now.

"What do you remember of that other life?" Andrea asked curious now.

"Well, if I get it right I'm a doctor and have my own clinic in a small town in Colorado. Colorado Springs. That alone sounds crazy. A lady doctor." Tessa had laugh at saying that, knowing how ridiculous that must be. She had never heard of lady doctors before.

"I don't think that sounds crazy. I was in San Francisco and we had a lady doctor there."

Tessa looked up, hope glimmering in her eyes. "You did?"

"Yeah, she didn't have many patients so and people used to make fun of her." Andrea shrugged her shoulders, not understanding why a woman couldn't be a doctor. Women were so much more gently and caring. She didn't think it sounded ridiculous at all.

"We had four kids. Three of them were adopted and one was our own. The three oldest were literally given to me on my friends death bed.. but we had a good life. We were so happy. That life couldn't be compared to my life now. Maybe that was the reason made it up." Tessa also shrugged her shoulders falling silent.

"What was your husbands name?"

Tessa didn't have to think about that. The name came over her lips without her even thinking about it. It was as if it was a part of her breath.

"Sully...Byron Sully." She chuckled together with Andrea.

"Oh believe me, no one could make up that name." Andrea said still laughing really hard.

"I guess not." Tessa agreed.


	13. Chapter 13 Arrivals and Departures

**Chapter 13 – Departures and Arrivals**

_Date: **Friday, October 21, 1872** Location: **Colorado Spring/ Colorado**_

„Have you seen Sully, Grace?" Dorothy asked genuinely worried by now.

„No, but I saw Brian and Katie a little bit earlier." Grace whispered back.

„You don't think he's not coming, do you?"

„I'm not sure. He never said anything to it...at least he let the kids come." Grace shrugged.

„I'm still not sure this was a good idea after all." Dorothy was unsure. She didn't want to got through with this without Sully being there. After all it was his wife's burial.

„Well, can't change that now, can we?" Grace said contritely understanding Dorothy. Grace didn't feel very good for going through with this either, not just because Sully wasn't there but also because they didn't know for sure that Dr. Mike was indeed dead.

At that instant they saw Brian walking slowly over to them with Katie in his arms. He didn't seem tot fond of what was about to happen either.

„Hey Brian, where's Sully?" Dorothy asked, gently laying a hand on the young man's shoulder.

„He's not coming..." Brian said holding on to his little sister. „...but he wanted us to come."

_Location: **the Sully homestead**_

Sully was sitting on the steps in front of the house. Everything was quiet. Brian and Katie had left the house earlier to go to the burial. He couldn't go. How could he go when he didn't feel as if his wife was dead? That he wasn't going out to search for her didn't mean that he believed she was dead.

Everything was wrong. This was not the life he had in mind for them. He couldn't look at his son and daughter and pretend that he accepted everything as it was, that everything would be alright again. His heart knew it would never be okay.

He sighed heavily, looking up at the door. He had destroyed it. It had been a piece of their relationship. They had struggled, fought over it and they had found a solution. He had overcome his selfish pride, she had shown him that a family with him was the only thing she wanted. She didn't care about the huge house. But he wanted to built it. It was a symbol of his love for her. A strong house, every single stone put in place by his very own hands. But she had been a part in it. They had been a team. Where was she now? Why did she desert their team? He felt betrayed, felt lost and alone. His heart was an open wrenching wound bleeding out in front of him and nothing could be done about it. Burying her meant he wanted to get over it. But he didn't. The hurt was a part of him now. He accepted it, accepted the lonely nights and the deadly silence, but he would never accept that she was gone. Never.

He stood up and walked over to the front door. He would have to replace it, but somehow he couldn't muster the strength to place the order for a new one. He hadn't done it then and he couldn't do it now. That had been her part.

_Date: **Friday, November 11, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon – mental home**_

„I will hear from you?" Tessa asked in a desperate attemt to keep Andrea a little while longer with her.

„Of course you will." Andrea replied, knowing perfectly well, what was going on inside her friend.

Hugging her one last time she turned around and left the mental home, the prison she had been secured in for so long, too long. She was glad she could go, delighted she could finally return to her family but she felt a twinge when she thought about her new-found friend. There must be something she could do for her. After all the time they had spent together, the things they shared about their lives Andrea wished she could help Tessa.

When she sat down in te carriage that would bring her home and passed past the post office and an idea suddenly came to her mind.

„Stop!" She yelled at the carriage driver in a haste.

With a Ruck the carriage stopped and Andrea jumped out without hesitating.

„I'll be back in a second." She ran over to the post office.

Seeing the long queue in the post office she immetiately ran to the counter.

„I'm sorry, but I have to send a really urgent telegram. The life of a friend depends on it." She apologized to the people who already started to moan. Apparently they had been waiting for a long time now.

„Madam, you can't just do that. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait like everyone else." The operator said to her.

„I can't wait, really. I'm on my way out of town and this is really, really urgent." She said desoerate to get that telegram sent.

„You can send your telegram before I send mine." A middle aged gentleman offered.

„Thank you very much." Andrea asnwered relieved.

„So, where is this so important telegram going?" The operator asked mockingly.

„To a Mr Byron Sully in Colorado Springs/ Colorado." The woman said starting to dictate the telegram.

_Date: **Friday, November 11, 1872 **Location: **Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

Brian left the school house after a too long day of learning. There where times when he loved school and others when he was already bored just thinking about it. As he was walking towars the bridge he saw Sully standing at the gate of the graveyard. He had never been at her grave. Brian had seen him more often than just once but never said anything about it. Now he decided it was time to talk about it.

He just started walking over to his Pa when Horace' voice stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned around to see the telegraph operator run towards him.

„Brian...Brian...wait." He yelled, waving with a little piece of paper.

„This just came for Sully..." Horace gasped for air when he arrived at Brians side. He gave him the piece of paper smiling broadly. It were times like these when he was glad he had this particular job.

Brian quickly scanned the paper too excited to read through it till the end. He started to sprint towards Sully.

„Pa...Pa..." Brian yelled at the top of his lungs startling Sully.

He turned around quickly not being able to remember the last time Brian had called him Pa and also wondering what had happened to get him so upset.

„Oh my God, Pa...you won't believe this..." He handed the paper ti his Pa, short of breath.

„Hey, calm down...what is it?" Sully asked.

„You're never going to believe me. Just...just read it!" Sully was confused so he unfolded the paper and started to read.

With every word he absorbed his face changed into an unreadable expression. Brian waited anxiously for his Pa to finish. He couldn't wait for his reaction since there hadn't been much of a reaction during the last couple of months. With the last word read Sully started to read anew, not being able to believe what his eyes seemed to see written there. When he finished reading the telegram a third and fourth time he looked up into his son's face. He needed assurance that Brian had seen the same words. This couldn't be true. It just couldn't. But the look of hope in his son's eyes told him otherwise. This was true. This was what they had all been waiting for.

„Let's go home. I think we have to pack:" Sully said laying his arms around Brian's shoulders.

Brian nodded enthusiastic and they began to walk towards the livery, but after a couple of steps Sully stopped and looked back to the graveyard. Brian followed his gaze, knowing his Pa was looking at his Ma's grave.

The grave of a living!

How ironic that seemed.

„Brian?" Sully asked low.

„Yea?"

„What did they write on it?" Sully nodded over to the tombstone.

Brian contemplated the question for a moment. Looking back and forth between the tombstone and his Pa he suddenly knew the perfect answer.

„That's not important now, is it?" He said smiling up at Sully.

„I guess not..." Sully agreed with his son.

_Date: **Friday, November 11, 1872 - 2 hours later **Location: **Portland/ Oregon – mental home**_

Tessa returned to her room, not being able to get over this gnawing feeling of anew loneliness. The last couple of days had been wonderful. Andrea hadn't judged her at all. Tessa was able to tell everything, her innermost thoughts and feelings without leaving anything out. Andrea had never asked, but Tessa had still told everything.

The first thing she saw when she netered her room was the small envelope on the night stand next to her bed. Slowly Tessa went over and grabbed the envelope. Her name was written on it in a clean and slighlty cursive handwriting. She wondered who left this letter for her, but somehow she knew it was from Andrea. Sh eopened it and retrieved the sinlgle piece of paper from the inside.

„_Be strong!_

_It matters not how deep intrenched the wrong,_

_How hard the battle goes, the day how long;_

_Faint not - fight on! Tomorrow comes the song."_

_I believe in you. Don't give up. Someday you'll know what is true._

_Andrea_

Tessa was crying hard by the time she was done reading. She had only known Andrea for three days, but she seemed to be a true friend, exactly knowing what to say. It was just like she had once said to her mother. Some people you just met and it's as if you've known them forever. Other people you've known you're whole life and it's like you're still strangers.

She wondered if she had really said it or if it was part of her imaginative world. Suddenly she became aware that she didn't even know her real mother. She didn't know if she had any siblings if her parent were still alive or already dead. She suddenly felt more alone than she had ever bofore.

„Tessa?" She turned around when the door to her room sprang open.

There in the doorway was Sam. He seemed to have run because he was breathing really hard.

„Sweetheart, you have to pack, we're leaving!" He said to her, more demanding than asking.

„Why? I mean, what is wrong, what happened?" She was confused. Sam hadn't been here very often and she had not given him any reason to ask for her release.

„We're taking a trip. I want to show you something. But we have to go right now:" He replied already taing her stuff out of the closet and putting it in one of her bags.

Tessa was just standing still watching him, Andrea's letter still in her hand. _Be strong! Fight on! _The words were already etched into her mind. She would be strong, she wouldn't give up. There was nothing she could do against Sam or his will to go with her, but she could be careful. Not give him any reason to hurt her or her baby. She moved her hand to her slightly swollen belly.

„Where are we going?" She queried Sam.

„We are going home...finally home." He said without looking up.

_Date: **same day **Location: **Colorado Sprongs/ Colorado**_

„Pa?" Brian knocked on the door to his Pa's room.

„I'm almost ready, Brian." Sully replied.

Brian opened the door and stepped into the room.

„Pa, I've been thinking..." Sully turned around when his son hesitated to go on talking.

„What is it?" He asked.

„Well, uhm...I just thought...perhaps it would be better if I stayed home with Katie? I mean, not that I didn't wanna come, but you'd have a reason to come home sooner." Brian offered an explanation.

„Hey, you don't have to explain...I understand." Sully said, understanding very well that Brian was scared.

He was scared to death when he thought about what was waiting for him. He didn't have a clue how she would react to his presence, if she even wanted to see him. The telegram just said that she was there, not why, not how she came there. When he thought about it again, he could see the reasoning behind Brian's will to stay. He feared they would be disappointed again. So was Sully, but he had to go just to be sure.

„I know you will care good for Katie." Sully just said, letting Brian know he understood and didn't mind.

With one last hug for each of his children Sully left the house and rode off into town to catch the train to Denver. He had booked the tickets immediately, but he was sure it wouldn't be a problem to cancel Brian's and Katie's tickets. He would have to change trains first in Denver, then in St. Louis and the last and longest leg of his journey would finally bring him to Portland of hopefully to the love of his life. He was lucky he could still get tickets for the afternoon train the same day.

Brian and Sully agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about the telegram and just say that Sully had to go off for work. Just in case it was false alarm. Even if they brought her home, they were sure she wouldn't mind some time to herself. So the last thing Sully had to do was make Horace clear that he really had to keep his mouth shut and then he could go off.

_Date: **Sunday, November 13, 1872 **Location: **St. Louis train station**_

„Tessa, come on, we have to hurry. The trains already waiting." Sam urged Tessa on to hurry.

Under no circumstances he could miss that train. He had to get away from there. When he had let the lady in the post office send her telegram before him, he hadn't known what she wanted to be sent. When he thought about it, he was glad he had heard it, so he could prevent his wife from being kidnapped again. This man wouldn't find her, not if he could help it.

Now they were in St. Louis and about to miss their train to Grayville. The platform was packed and he had to hold on to Tessa's hand so he wouldn't lose her in the tumult of running passengers.

„I'm coming..." She gave back, short of breath from the running. She wasn't exactly in any condition to be running around and she couldn't understand why it was so important to get on that train. Sure she didn't want to spent the night in a strange city, but she wouldn't mind sleeping in a real bed for a change.

He was running to the next train. The train to Portland was already whistling and he had to fall into a sprint to get it. He didn't notice the number of peole he passed and barged into.

She was breathing hard by now and didn't see the man running right into her. When his body crashed into her right shoulder she closed her eyes tightly trying hard to keep her balance and not to fall. It seemed like time was standing still until she was standing steady again and only later she would remember the bolt of electricity that shot through her when his hand touched her back for an instant and that it was that feeling which really left her so breathless. When she opened her eyes again, the person that had crushed into her just moments ago was gone without a trace. She felt like the part where he had touched her was burning and she trembled all over. But she didn't have time to think about it when she felt the tugging at her left hand, pulling her to the train they had to catch.

He didn't see the woman standing right in his way. He didn't mean to jostle her and all he could do was put a hand on her back to keep her from falling as she stumbled backwards. He didn't have the time to stop and apologize. He didn't take the time to register the familiarity of her touch, the shiver that ran down his spine when he heard her gasp. He didn't look at her, his eyes fixed on the train that was already starting to pull out of the train station. He ran faster and faster and when he finally jumped up on the train platform the sudden collision between him and that woman was already pushed in the back of his mind. All he could think of now was his wife and that he had to get to her. He was on his way. She was waiting for him, he was sure of that. He suddenly had this feeling that she would be glad to see him. He wasn't scared anymore...

When she sat down in her cushioned seat the clash was far away in the depths of her memory. She was nervous about their arrival in their „home". Another home she didn't know. Again people she had to get used to. And again she would live under the same roof with Sam. The somewhat secured feeling of the mental home was gone and all that was left was this uncertain feeling of having missed something. She suddenly had this feeling things would take a turn for the worse. And she was scared...



 Music I listened to while writing this chapter: Hallelujah, You're the Storm ( thanks Dr. Slicker )

 Things I ate and drank: chocolate cookies, coffee, coffee, coffee

Where I wrote it: on my laptop sitting at the kitchen table right next to a window, ths sun shining through


	14. Chapter 14 High Hopes

**Chapter 14 – High Hopes**

_Date: **Tuesday, November 15, 1872 **Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

The wagon drew slowly into a halt in front of an old shack. It was so small Tessa wondered how one single person could possibly live in there. After the huge house in Portland, she was surprised to be greeted by that sight. She thought she knew Sam well enough to know he wouldn't settle for this!

As if reading her thoughts he climbed down the wagon and walked around to help her down.

„I know it didn't change at all, but I promised I would built you a bigger one. I will have to find work here first, earn some money..." He said gesturing over to the shack.

Tessa just nodded not feeling up to saying anything. She already felt the tears rising again. Ever since they had changed trains in St. Louis this feeling that something was terribly wrong was getting stronger and stronger. She just wished she could have properly said goodbye to Andrea. She didn't even know where she was, how could they stay in contact like that?

When she felt the hard ground beneath her feet, she felt somewhat better, but when her gaze fell on the shack she would be living in again, her heart fell anew. Always when she thought things couldn't get worse they did get worse. Tessa jumped when one of the boards shattered to the ground. This house was falling apart, they couldn't possibly live in there!

Sam turned back to the wagon and retrieved their luggage. When he set it down he swirled up a cloud of dust, making them both cough.

„You'll have to clean it." He just said to her when she started to walk toward the homestead. She stopped immediately, not wanting to imagine how the shack looked inside. It must have been years since he'd last been here.

_Date: **Wednesday, November 16, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

Sully felt lost in this strange big city. He felt felt the exact same way when he had come to Boston so many years ago. But it had been different, he had smelled the East, the familiar salty taste of the ocean had been in his mouth and nostrils.

Now he was on the different side of the country and it felt wrong to be here. There was nothing familiar about this place, though most of the places looked similiar to those of other huge cities like Boston and New York. He couldn't point it out, but he just wasn't comfortable being here and he wanted to go back home as soon as possible. So he turned to the first person crossing his way and asked for the directions to the mental home.

Arriving there he asked for the patient who had sent the telegram to him. His heart fell when they told him the woman was no longer there and when he asked for his wife they told him she'd never been there. Had it been false alarm? Why was someone playing this game with him? Not willing to give up just yet Sully left the name of the hotel he was staying in and decided to stay at least a week. He wanted to see if the woman who sent the telegram might come back. Had had travelled to far to just turn around and go back.

_Date: **Thursday, November 17, 1872 **Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

Sully was sitting on the steps in front of the mental home. He couldn't believe this. What if he was just too late? He had to wait. Maybe the patient that wrote the telegram would come back.Suddenly he had an idea. Why didn't he just describe what Michaela looked like, after all it could be possible that she was there under another name,wasn't it?

With new-found enthusiasm he stood up and went mack into the huge house. The first person that appeared to be working there was a young woman, not older than 25. Sully hesitated a moment but then gathered the courage to adress her.

„Excuse me, madam." The young woman turned around and smiled at him.

„How can I help you sir?" Obviously she didn't mind his apparel at all, she didn't even seem to notice.

„Well, I was looking for someone." Sully said still somewhat unsure how to explain that he didn't have a name.

„Just tell me the name and I will tell you the room number." She answered immediately, totally forgetting that she was supposed to ask if people were family.

„Uhm...that's the problem.I don't have any name. But I could describe her. She is really beautiful, with this very, long auburn hair and two different colored eyes."

„Oh, the young Mrs. Lloyd? She was so lovely. I really didn't understand why she had to be here. Anyway, she just left 4 days ago." The young woman enthusistically, glad to be able to help this charming man.

„You don't happen to know where she left for, do ya?" Sully asked hopefully.

„No, I'm sorry, but her husband was here to take her home." She shrugged.

Sully's face and heart fell immediately. Her husband. That's what the woman had said. Her husband. But he was her husband. Sam Lloyd. Suddenly his name sprung into his mind. That bastard. What had he done to his wife? She'd never have left her family behind to go with him.

„_Did you sleep with him?" _His own words echoed in his head and cut deep into his heart and coinscidience. He didn't mean to say it. He had known it was wrong. Why did he say it then? He wanted her to hurt. NO, he never wanted her to hurt. He wanted her to see how much he hurt. He would never forget the look on her face after he said that to her. Suddenly it dawned on him that those were the last words he had spoken to her. Would she remember those words before anything else?

„Thank you." Sully replied while turning around and leaving the mental home.

At least he knew that she was somewhere in this town, he told himself. He could keep looking for her. It was just a city, not the whole country. Though he knew how little the chances that he would find her. For just an instant he wondered if the woman had indeed benn his wife, but then again he had never seen someone with two different eye colors. He had never senn someone that beautiful. It must have been Michaela. He could feel that she'd been here. Turning around to look at the building once more, as if he was expecting her to walk through the huge portal and down the stairs into his arms, smiling at him with her wonderful smile, he felt drawn back inside. He didn't know what he was doing until he was standing in front of the young nurse again. She seemed to be deep in thought, her head hanging over a patient's file, and she didn't notice Sully standing there until he cleared his throat and made her jump out of her medical world back into the real world.

"I'm sorry," He said, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"That is quite alright. Did you forget something?" She asked smiling at the charming young man in front of her.

"I was just wondering if you could tell me Mrs. Lloyd's first name?" He was unsure if the woman would tell him her name, because he wasn't in any form related to that Mrs. Lloyd. But the nurse didn't even think about that. The man seemed so desperate to find that woman that she couldn't think of anything that was wrong with telling him her first name. And anyway he already knew her last name, so what difference would it make?

"Oh her name's Therese. Her husband tended to call her Tessa." She mustered Sully closer at that information and saw how he furrowed his brow.

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" She probed the territory.

"No...no, I don't mind."

"Why are you looking for Mrs. Lloyd? I mean, she's not just a friend, is she?" The look she received let her already know that she wasn't just a friend but so much more.No one was looking like that for a friend. Not in that part of the country anyway.

"No...she's not just a friend..." Sully paused not sure if he should say it, but his ears needing to hear it again, "She's my wife."

"I'm sorry, Sir." The nurse felt sorry for the young man standing there, looking lost like a school boy looking for his his lost treasure. She didn't understand though. She didn't know what he was feeling. _She must have left him, _she thought.

Sully nodded and turned around leaving the mental home once again, but this time encouraged to keep searching for Michaela. He knew her whole name now and it couldn't be too hard to find someone here, if you knew the whole name, or could it?

_Date: **Monday, December 19, 1872 **_

Sully felt his hands starting to sweat as he was staring at the huge hospital. During the last month he had been everywhere he could imagine in this strange city. He had been at the train station fist thing after leaving the mental home, but hey couldn't tell them anything. Obviously there had never arrived a telegram for a Mr or Mrs. Lloyd. Then he had been in really every department building, which made him feel highly uncomfortable. He hated to be under all those high society people staring at him, whispering and averting their eyes whenever he looked directly at them. But he knew he had to do this when he wanted to find his wife. But even the authorities couldn't or didn't want to give him any information.

So now, he found himself in front of the huge main hospital. He remembered that damn doc saying something about a huge hospital he had been working in before he came to Colorado Springs. Even then Sully had wondered what had caused him to leave a big city and come to their little frontier town to work in the simple clinic they had been able to establish there. But no matter how hard he tried and how often he asked, the doctor didn't seem to like talking about his personal life, he didn't seem to like Sully.

Shaking his head he decided that there were far more important things right now than his foolish pride. So with a huge gasp of breath he started his way up the step and towards the main portal of the hospital. Swinging one of the huge wings of the dor open he was overwhelmed with the amount of stimuli that met his senses. The bright, white light that was reflected from every wall and every object in the room was dazzling and he had to shield his eyes to get adjusted to the sudden change in illumination. Once he got used to the light his nose stung with the overwhelming smell of disinfectant and the silence that was only broken by the quiet opening and closing if doors from time to time and the silent and careful steps in the hallways. Never before had he seen such a silent place. This place seemed to draw all life out of him and he didn't intend to stay here longer than necessary.

When his gaze roamed the room he noticed a figure slumped over in a chair near him. The person didn't even seem to breathe but when Sully put one foot in front of the other to slowly walk over towards one of the nurses, the figure slowly lifted ist head and looked right at him. H estopped dead in his tracks at the stare that met him. The figure was an old woman and she obviously was in a great deal of pain. Her whole body was trembling but her gaze didn't waver. Her eyes were fixed on him, negging him for something he didn't know what it was. Sully noticed how her upper body seemed to heave with each breath and her stare bore right into his soul, gripping his heart and making him avert his gaze to free him from sharing her pain and hurt. Still he felt her eyes fixed on his back as he continued to walk over to the nurse.

"Excuse me, Madam?" He approached her. Slowly she turned around at the his voice, her mind still on the files in her hand.

"What can I do for you?" She replied, closing the patient's file and looking directly at him.

"I would like to know if I could talk to a certain Dr. Lloyd." Sully said in his best accent. Suddenly he was glad for the time he spent among all those high society people with Michaela. Somehow he sensed that he would come further with good manners. At any other time he wouldn't care less about his manners or what other people thought about him, but this time he wanted something from those people.

"Oh I'm sorry, but Dr. Lloyd quit his job here a couple of days ago. Maybe you have more luck at his house." The nurse quickly noted Sam Lloyds address and handed it to Sully, not even caring who he was.

"And Madam, what's wrong with that woman over there?" He couldn't resist asking.

"She's here every day. Doctors can't do anything for her, still she keeps coming back." The nurse answered without any emotion, any sympathy in her voice. She even seemed annoyed by the woman. Sully looked over to her once again. Her eyes were still glued to him and he felt sorry for her. Michaela wouldn't have given up on her. Even if there wasn't anything that could be done for her, Sully was sure that all she needed was someone to comfort her in this hard time. In any other circumstances he wouldn't have hesitated to help the woman, to take her to his wife, but now he had to keep looking for his wife. The mission he was on was far more important than anything else to him.

Standing in front of the big house Sully felt the nervousness return. He felt anxious to see his wife after all this time but at the same time he was scared to death of what would await him when the door opened. He took a deep breath and was about to cross the street and knock at the door when a woman approached the house and knocked at exactly the same door. Seeing his chance to observe what was going to happen he stood back and watched the woman. She had to be in her mid-twenties, with long hair of a color somewhere between blonde and a light brown. Several minutes passed and the door still hand't opened. Sully wondered why no one opened the door.

**Andrea hurried down the street towards the adress written on the small piece of paper. She didn't even know why she was in such a rush, but somehow she felt she didn't have much time. She was really looking forward to seeing her friend after such a long time. It hadn't really been a long time but she missed Tessa terribly. She missed their talks and of course she was curious how her friend was doing. When she heard Tessa left the mental home she was happy for her friend yet at the same time worried about her, because she knew to what a home she was to return. So now, having her adress she had the chance to meet that husband of Tessa in person.**

**Once again she checked her note for the right number and noticed that she was already standing in front of the right house when she looked up at the houses. Climbing the steps to the front door she smoothed her skirt and her hair and knocked at the big, wooden door. Impatiently she tiptoed from one foot to the other waiting for the door to open, but it never did. After several minutes she knocked again. Again no one opened. She checked her note once more. Yes, it was the correct adress! Sighing in disappointment she turned around when her gaze fell upon a man standing across the street watching her. But she didn't feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny. Instead of turning and walking back from where she came she crossed the street and walked over the man.**

Sully was slightly uncomfortable when the woman noticed him watching her. He didn't want her to think that he was stalking her or something. But when she crossed the street and walked towards him with a slight smile upon her lips, he felt relieved.

**Andrea had been sure of herself when she began walking towards the man, but when she was standing in front of him, she suddenly didn't know what to say. She didn't know him and she didn't even know why he had been watching her. After all he could be a stalker. But she didn't believe that. Something about his appearance seemed familiar to her, though she knew for sure that she had never seen him before. And there was something in his eyes, she noticed when she neared him, that didn't let him seem like some criminal.**

**When she stopped before him her mouth went dry and her arms didn't seem to want to move. She felt foolish for just approaching him like that.**

The woman wasn't moving but just standing in front of him. Sully wasn't sure what to do or say, so he decided the easiest way was probably to introduce himself to her.

"Name's Sully." He said reaching his hand out to her, suddenly forgetting to build a proper sentence.

The woman didn't respond immediately, but Sully saw something flicker in her eyes. It was as if she was recognizing him, but he was certain that he had never seen her before. After several moments she seemed to shake her head lightly and took the hand he was offering her. A broad smile appeared on her face, which made her whole face glow.

"Sully, I'm so glad to meet you." She said enthusiastically.

"And you are?" Sully asked, slightly confused at where she knew him from.

"Oh, pardon me! My name is Andrea." She wondered how she should tell him where she knew him from, knowing he must wonder. "I don't know how to say this, but I heard a lot about you."

All of a sudden it dawned on him. She had heard about him? Who else should have told her than Michaela? He was getting excited. If he was right, that woman knew Michaela and if she did, she could tell him where she was. He would have her back. They would make it home in time for christmas. This woman was about to make him the greatest gift he could ever get, he was certain of that.


	15. Chapter 15 A christmas to be forgotten

**Chapter 15 – A christmas to be forgotten**

"How about we take a walk and talk?" Sully offered when he noticed what the woman had to tell him wasn't easy to say. Andrea nodded and so they took off down the street and towards a nearby park. The walked in silence for some minutes and Sully decided not to ask any question, since he knew from Michaela that sometimes it was easier to wait until a person was ready to talk.

Andrea needed some moments to gather her thoughts and think about the right words to express her meeting with Tessa. This Sully was all her friend had told her. The fatc that he really existed made her happy for Tessa but at the same time deeply worried, since it let her know that she was in serious trouble with that "husband". Taking a deep breath she started to tell Sully what he needed to know.

"I was in a mental home for some months," She started Sully's furrowed brow not lost on her, "That's where I met Tessa." She explained closely observing Sully's reaction. He looked at her, realization hitting him.

"Michaela..." He whispered more a statement than a question.

"Yea, she was broken down. She didn't know who she was. I guess she still doesn't know. Either that or they made her believe he really is her husband." Her voice started to sound angry so she stopped for a moment, giving Sully the chance to ask a question.

"Her husband?" He was scared for his wife.

"Uhmm...she told me that Sam is her husband and the one who sent her to the mental home. But she remembered her other life. Her real life it seems..." Andrea looked at Sully. " She talked more about you than anything else. She loves you and she thought her life with you was too good to be true. They made her believe she was hallucinating. She was desperate."

"Wait!" Sully interjected, "Does that mean you don't know where she is now?"

"No, unfortunately, I don't. I was hoping to find her here." Andrea replied nodding in the direction of the Llyod house.

HR WIDTH"80" 

_Date: **Summer** **1867 **Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

"Sam, come here. Quick!" He heard her excited voice and started for the other room immediately hoping everything was alright with the baby.

"What is it?" He asked upon seeing her sitting in one of the wingback chairs her hands on her swollen belly. But his fears were all gone when she looked at him smiling broadely.

"It's kicking. I can feel the baby. It's kicking." She said reaching for his hand and laying at on her belly for him to feel the kicking. For several moments they couldn't fell anything and she was starting to feel disappointed that he had missed this precious moment, when suddenly it started again. Sam could feel the slight pressure on his hand clearly and he too gazed in wonder at his hand and then at his wife.

"I can feel it..." He simply said, not really concentrating on his words.

"It's strong." She assured him. "We're gonna have a healthy and strong baby." She lay her hand over his and leaned forward to give him a light kiss on the lips. This was their miracle. Not much longer and they would hold their little boy ot girl in their arms. They would care for the baby and they would be a real family, like he had always promised her. And he would change. With the birth of their baby he would change.

Maybe a little girl would do him good, she thought. He would be a devoted daddy and their girl would have him wrapped around their finger. Though she knew he was wishing for a boy. All men were wishing for a boy, but sometimes she got the impression he was expecting her to give birth to a boy.

"Yes, we will have a strong and healthy boy. A heir to carry on our name. A girl can't kick like this. It will be a boy." He said as if reading her thoughts. He was smiling and the gleam in his eyes was unmistakeable. He really wanted a boy. Suddenly she too hoped for a boy, fearing his reaction to a girl, yet wishing he would accept it and loved her the same as he would a boy.

She returned his smile weakly now.

_Date: **late 1867 **Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

She sat down in the wingback chair in front of the fireplace with great diffculty. Letting her hand hang down the side of the chair she felt it touch the beautiful crib. Closing her eyes and slowly starting to move the chair she let her hand roam over the smooth surface, picturing the crib before her inner eye. For several moments she relished her daydream, until her fingertips touched the one uneven spot and at the same time it appeared before her inner eye. She couldn't see it, not know, she didn't want to see it now. Quickly she pulled her hand back and lay it on her belly.

"Don't worry, we will love you no matter what. I promise." She silently whispered to her unborn child and to herself. Matters were out of her hands, she couldn't do anything, but wait and hope and pray. But how could she seriously pray for something she didn't care about?

_Date: **Christmas 1872** Location: **Portland/ Oregon**_

He was staring at the huge christmas tree, lovingly decorated with gifts under it. He wondered why he even celebrated christmas this year. He sould be at a huge party right now with all those high society people. But he didn't care. He didn't have any reason to celebrate. All those gifts under the tree were either given to him because peole couldn't or didn't want to be with him this night or they were for people he wouldn't get to see until days or even weeks after the holidays.

He pulled the blanket tightly around himself, feeling the chill from the cold winter night getting to him despite the raging fire inside the fireplace. He wouldn't get any sleep tonight, that much was sure. For weeks his thoughts had been occupied with her. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw her face, her sad and pained smile. What had happened? Why had she left without goodbye, without telling him?

He suddenly felt his legs itching to take a walk, so he got up, took his thick coat and closed the door behind him, leaving for the dark night, not caring where his legs would carry him. His eyes were cast down and he didn't bother to look where he was going, knowing perfectly well, that no one would be on the street at this time. Everyone was with family, sitting together in front of the fireplaces, reading chritsmas stories and drinking hot chocolate, laughing, loving, celebrating, relishing this time together, or they were already fast asleep.

He though he could make out a quiet voice, almost like a whisper. A faint lullaby carried through the crisp air, down the street and to his lonely ears. Lifting his gaze, only to see the empty street before him and a few windows casting their glow on the sidewalk, he started to sing along with that far away voice. Unsure and broken at first. He hadn't heard a lullaby in decades. But with time his voice carried ist own song through the street and echoed from the walls back to his ears. He couldn't make out the voice anymore, not kowing if it had stopped or if he was walking away from it. It didn't matter know, he was singing his own lullaby now, he was singing himself into a peaceful slumber, made his legs carry him home and into a cold bed. He let his lullaby bring him into another world, full of loving smiles and glowing eyes and open arms. Into a world where she was waiting for him, where she was sitting in front of the fire with Dicken's Christmas Carol and a cup of hot chocolate, her arms stretched out for him, inviting him to join her, to listen to her reading. A world where he could stand in the doorway to his children's rooms and listen to her voice singing lullabies to them.

_Date: **Christmas 1972** Location:** Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

Christmas was a somber affair this year. Though Sully had returned home for the holidays, no one was in a happy mood. The only person even trying to lift the spirits was little Katie, but even she quickly noticed that no one really wanted to luagh or smile. Colleen had come home too and the whole family was sitting in the living room. From time to time they shared an assuring glance or a comforting smile here and there. But neither one of them felt relieved by them. Katie soon felt that something wasn't right and tried to weep quietly. Colleen reacted quickly and took her into her arms, softly singing the lullaby her mother had always sung for her, but instead of calming the little girl down it upset her even further.

Sully who had been observing the interaction silently, now got up and took his little girl into his arms. Sitting down with her in the rocking chair, he quietly comforted her, rocking her to sleep. Reassured by her father's smell and loving embrace, Katie nestled her hand in the hollow of his neck and fell into a deep slumber. She didn't know that they were supposed to sing christmas carols this night. She was too young to understand. But she knew that this was supposed to be a happy night. People in town had been excited for such a long time and everyone seemed to glow. She rememberd the smile and the light in Brian's face when he got the telegram from her daddy.

But no one had been smiling the day Sully had returned and Katie couldn't understand why. The whole thing had confused her so much that she was even afraid to hug her daddy. But when he walked uo to her and took her in his arms, without a word walking into the house with her, she knew she didn't do anything wrong, that her daddy was just sad.

Brian, who had also watched Katie and Colleen, was now carefully, as not to be seen, a single tear from his cheek. He turned his head to look at Matthew. His elder brother was holding his hat in both his hands and fingered the rim of it. He didn't look up and Brian mused that he probably was about to cry. Knowing that it wouldn't make the matter any better, but somehow sensing that it was needed he grabbed the book lying to his right and opened the first page.

"I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it. Their faithful Friend and Servant,  
Charles Dickens," He quietly began reading, „Marley was dead; to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that." Brian looked up, first unsure of the reactions he would get, but when he saw the approving and thankkful glance of his father he knew he had done the right thing. His voice getting stronger with every line, the whole family was soon embraced in a christmas spirit that was though still overshadowed by their sadness, somehow hopeful. She was with them now. Colleen looked proudly at her little brother, thinking back to the time when she was captured by the dog soldiers. He had been so afraid of losing another ma. Now he seemed to be the one holding the family together. She couldn't help the triads of tears that were flowing down her face. She knew that even if Dr. Mike wasn't to return, her family would be alright. She just knew it. Dr. Mike had given them so much love over the years they had with her, so much love that Colleen sometimes thought she could burst with it. The young girl was certain that they all could nourish from the love, the happy memories they had and they family they still had left, that had been created and formed by their mother, and they would make it work. It would never be the same again. They would never be as happy and Sully surely would never be happy again without his mate, but they could make it work. Her eyes still glued to her reading brother she felt a wave of new found hope curse through herself and slowly a slightl smile started to creep on her face.

_Date: **Christmas 1967 **Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

"Tessa, honey, come on up to bed." Sam quietly whipsered into his wife's ear. She had never left thespot in front of the fire place. This wasn't how they had planned to spend christmas. Everything she, they, had dreamed about had been shattered to pieces. Sam could understand his wife, but seeing her lying there and weeping quietly to herself without aknowldging his presence even once, he got somewhat angitated.

Therese had heard her husband, she had heard him everytime during the last couple of days. But she couldn't seem to muster the strength to answer him. He had made no attempt to console her and though she was longing for him to do so, she had made no attempt to ask him. They were mourning seperately. Silently hoping he would come to her and take her into his arms she remained motionless once again. But her hopes were lost when a knock at the door interrupted both their thoughts.

Therese opened her eyes but didn't turn around as Sam went to the door and opened it, letting the cold winter air in the house.

"Is she here?" Tessa heard a grumpy voice, knowing whoever it was, was probably referring to her.

"Yea she's here. What do you want?" She heard her husband's reply. She wondered what anyone could want from her at this time of night, so she slowly turned one her back directing her glance towards the door.

The sheriff was standing there. His one hand at his waist his other one at his revolver, ready to draw it and shoot someone. A shudder went down her spine as the sight and she slowly turned back to the fire. She closed her eyes, willing the terrible feelings and thoughts to subside and sleep claim her. But as every time during the last days, her will betrayed her, sleep wouldn't come, so she had to listen to the words the men exchanged.

When footsteps neared her and a hand grabbed her upper arm, she was once again torn out of her reverie. Quickly she got up, drawing her arm out of the sheriff's grip. When she lifted herright hand to hold the spot on her left arm, where he had laid his hand on her, the sheriff grabbed it in ine swift movement and turned it to her back, putting it into hand chains. Therese couldn't help the tears from falling as she asked him where he was bringing her, her eyes boring into her husbands, making him avert his face.

"Jail," the sheriff replied curtly, "for murdering your daughter."

The last thing Sam saw of his wife that night, were her eyes widened in shock and disbelief and her tears, that were running down her face freely now. But though it was tearing him apart he didn't do anything against the sheriff taking her so suddenly, so harsh. He didn't do anything against the the treatment she was receiving, the disgusted looks and the pushing forward until she fell to her feet. He was just standing at the door, watching the two of them riding off towards town, listening to his wife's crying.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

_Date: **New Year's Eve, 1872** Location: **Colorado Spring/ Colorado**_

Brian had watched Sully closely since his return just a couple of days ago. He knew something had changed and he had tried to talk to Sully about what had happened during his absence, but he always refused to talk. At first Brian thought it was just the fact that his father's hopes were anew ruined. But the more he observed Sully the more he made up his mind that there had to be something else. He couldn't detect the deep desperation from before, but rather something else. The problem was that he could'nt figure out what it was and so he couldn't know how to approach his father.

"Pa?" He quietly tried.

Sully hesitated at first then slowly turned his head into his son's direction. He dreaded what he knew would come. Brian had attempted to get him to talk a couple of times during the last two weeks, but Sully had always found a way to distract his son. Still, the stares he was giving him let him know he would try again. Brian wasn't stupid, he noticed something going on, something different from before.

"Pa, what's going on?" Brian whispered, not wanting Katie to hear them.

"I can't tell you..." Sully's voice trailed off. The subtle glance towards Katie didn't go unnoticed by Brian.

"We need to know. You didn't say a word about what happened while you were gone. Colleen's noticed as well..." Sully slowly leaned back in his armchair, closing his eyes for a moment, gathering the courage to say what needed to be said, no matter if he wanted to say it or not.

"Brian...," He began, "I found someone in Portland." He stopped for a moment, his eyes travelling Brian's face.

"Ma?" the young boy asked eagerly, making Sully wish he could say yes. But he couldn't, so he quietly shook his head.

"No, 't wasn't your Ma, but a friend of hers. She was there." He coudln't go on and desperately wished that Brian would add two and two together and figure the rest for himself. He wasn't disappointed when his son started to speak anew.

"But she's not anymore?" The young boy's eyes quickly clouded over, all his hope from moments before gone.

Again Sully shook his head. He wanted to take Brians pain away, but he didn't know how. When he heard him sigh heavily and draw a shaky breath he took him in his arms, letting him be the little boy again. Brian let it be. He wanted nothing more than to be that little boy again. He wished he wouldn't understand everything that was going on.

So they both sat in silence, watching the minutes ticking by on the mantle clock as they neared the new year. When the clock started to chime midnight they both looked up. It was time to go over to the others. But before they stood up Sully quietly whispered into Brian's ear.

"I'll find her, I promise." Brian smiled at him, half saying thank you and half saying, good try.

_Date: **January 1st, 1873** Location: **Greyville/ Oregon**_

"Any New Year's Resolutions?" She asked, smiling up at him as they listened to the last chiming of the clock, letting them know a new year was just beginning.

"I'll build us a house, a big house. With lots of rooms and a nice and big fire place," He looked at her and lay his hand on her belly. "I want our son to have a nice room. He won't miss anything."

She didn't answer. Their son sure wouldn't miss anything, but what about their daughter? She carefully lay her hand on his, wishing him to accept whoever might come along.

"Can you imagine? This year our baby will be born and everything will change." She shivered slightly, pulling her shawl tighter around her somewhat bigger form.

"Let's get you to bed. We don't want our little one to catch a cold." He took her hand and accompanied her to their room.

_Date: **January 1st,1873** Location: **Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

"Any New Year's Resolutions?" Colleen asked, smiling at Sully. The last chiming of the mantle clock had just worn off and they all gathered together for hugs and kisses.

"Yea...very good ones." He replied, catching Brian's gaze and nodding towards him.

"Very good ones." He repeated.

_Date: **January 1st, 1868** Location: **Greyville/ Illinois**_

"Did he come?" She asked deperately, hoping for a yes, yet knowing it would be a no.

The sheriff cast her an amused look and shook his head. What kind of woman was this?

"You really think he'd come after what you did?" He asked mockingly.

She stared at him. Did they all believe she did this? That she murdered her own daughter? Sam hadn't be there, not even once, since she'd been arrested.

"I didn't do anything..." she gave back her voice trailing off, both with fear and despair as well as with mourning over her child. She didn't do it. She had just gone outside to give the horse a little bit more hay on that cold winter day. When she came back into the house everything was quiet. Her little girl had been lying in the cradle, that wasn't supposed to be hers, sleeping peacefully...or at least that was what Therese had thought. _I should have checked on her, _she thought,_ why didn't I make sure she was breathing?_

A sudden banging of the door made her jump and turn her head away from the wooden wall to the entrance. There stood her husband glaring at her. She wondered why he had come.

"Can I talk to her alone?" Sam asked the sheriff. The man in the corner of the room only nodded, giving Therese another disgusted look before leaving the office. As soon as he was out of sight, Tessa began crying and pleading her husband to get her out of there.

"Sam, I didn't do it...I would have never...you have to believe me...I loved her...she was my daughter...you have to tell them..." Her hands gripped the steel bars and her eyes bore into Sam's. He averted his glance, not able to take her gaze.

"Sam? You believe me, don't you?" Her breathing quickened and her heart started to pound wildly, making her nads sweat. He didn't believe her!

"She was alive, when I saw her last. You killed her! She was breathing when I checked on her." Therese's mind was reeling. What did he say? He checked on her? But he had not been home that day. He had been in town all day. She listened carefully and didn't interupt him, willing him to say something that would let her know the truth she was dreading.

"What did you do in the barn? Get something to kill her?" He suddenly stopped realizing his mistake, but hoping she didn't.

_Date: **January 7, 1873** Location: **Colorado Springs/ Colorado**_

"Dorothy? Did you find something?" Sully looked pleadingly at the red-haired, when he opened the door and let her in.

She made a few steps into the room before she turned around to Sully and held a newspaper out to him. He took it from her confused, but quickly scanning the headings. There was nothing about Michaela and when he saw the date he got even more confused. The paper was from 1868.

"What..." he didn't understand untilo Dorothy pointed at one article.

"Read this!" she instructed him.

"**Mother murdered baby **

Only days before christmas murdered this woman her own baby. The trial is still in process, though the facts speak for themselves and even her own husband blames her. The woman claims to be innocent despite the obvious facts. Last day of trial will be tomorrow December 28, 1867 beginning at noon." Sully looked up at Dorothy, "This doesn't sound very objective." He said giving the paper back to her.

"Yea, but that name. You said that woman in Portland told you her name had been Therese Lloyd. What if Sam mistakes Michaela for his wife? This man must be crazy. I can't imagine what he wants from her if he's convinced that she murdered his daughter." Dorothy bit her lower lip, instantly regretting her words. She mustn't worry Sully more than he already was.

"Oh my God..." his head shot up at Dorothy's comment and he whispered the words before he even knew his mind was forming them. Dorothy could clearly see the fear on his face and in his eyes and wanted nothing more thn to take it away, knowing she had just put it there.

"There's more...," she said catching Sully's hopeful yet frightened glance, "I could find this Therese Lloyd. Seems she returned to her family in Washington. Don't ask me why he didn't look there for his wife, cause if he did, he apparently couldn't find her."

"So she's there?" Sully asked doubtful.

"Yea, I have a colleague there and he knew about the case. Said no one there believes she's guilty and that she returned shortly after the trial."

"I'm going." Sully stated promptly. He reached for the news paper once again. "You mind if I take this?"

"No, of course not." Dorothy replied. She was excited for Sully and his family, yet she dreaded what he would probably find out. Whatever Sam Lloyd had in mind for his wife must be horrible, if he really believed that his wife was to blame for their child's death.

_Date: **December 27, 1867** Location: **Greyville/ Illinois**_

"Sam, please tell them. You were there. You saw me going into the barn. It was an accident.You saw me...please, tell them..." Therese cried. Her tears were flowing donw her face without ceasing, leaving wet trails along their way.

"Dr. Lloyd, can you confirm your wife's words?" the judge looked intently at the doctor. When the sheriff had asked him, he had said that he had spent the whole day in town.

"No, sir. I spent the whole day in town. I came home late that day only to find my daughter dead and my wife preparing dinner as if nothing was wrong." Sam answered drily, not looking at his wife or anyone in particular.

"You liar...you said she was breathing when you checked on her...liar...," Tessa broke down, her hands clutching her daughter's stuffed bear and the wailing cries that racked her body filling the room.

"We will interrupt here and continue tomorrow at noon." The judge said looking at the defendant with symphathy in his eyes.

_Date: **December 19, 1872** Location: **Darrington/ Washington**_

"Sweetheart, you have to eat." The old woman approached her daughter carefully.

"Don't call me that..." was all she gave back without even turning around. She was facing the winow looking out into the garden, white with snow.

"I'm sorry..." Eleonore didn't know what to do anymore. She had been trying for so many years now, but her daughter wouldn't come out of her shell. There were good days, when she would talk and eat, but Eleonore knew she only pretended those days, for her mother's sake.

Then there were days like this one, when she wouldn't even acknowledge other people. Tessa's mother knew what day it was and the stuffed bear in her daughter's hands was tale-telling enough. The tears were rolling down her pale face and Eleonore wondered if they ever stopped. How she hated this man.She didn't know exactly what had been going on, but something told her that her daughter's misery was his fault. She had never liked him very much and it broke her heart when she left. But she had to let go. Her girl wasn't a little girl anymore.

"It's been 4 years now..." she heard a quiet whisper from the window. She immediatel walked over and took her daughter into her amrs letting her cry out all her pent up emotions and silently rocking her as she used to do when Therese was younger. "My little girl..." she wept on her mother's shoulder, breaking her mother's heart as well as her own once again.

Eleonore wiped her tears away with a trembling hand. She had prayed for a miracle, that something might happen to help her daughter, but it never did. She still prayed every night and seeing her daughter open up somewhat she could only hope that things were taking a change for the better.

_Date: **January 8, 1873** Location: **Colorado Spings/ Colorado**_

The Sully family was gathered together at the train station eagerly awaiting the train to arrive. Sully was still holding Katie on his arm when he walked over to Horace.

„Morning Horace, any news about the train?" He asked throught the small window.

„No, guess it's just late, like always." Horace shrugged his shoulders also annoyed by the fact that no one seemed to think it necessary to inform him about the train being late or the reason for it.

Sully walked back over to his family just as they heard the train whistle. Quickening his pace he soon arrived at Colleen's and Brian's side. With his daughter on his arm he hugged everyone and shared some last words. Then he turned Katie in his arms and hugged her tightly.

„Pa...hurt" She slightly pushed him back.

„Sorry, sweetheart, Daddy's just gonna miss you awefully." He kissed his daughter on the forehead before he talked to her again. „Promise me, you'll be good!"

„Good!" Katie eagerly nodded and put her arms around her father's neck, placing a wet kiss on his cheek. Sully handed her over to her big sister, took his bag and stepped on the train. Then he truned around again and waved ti his family until the train had disappeared around the bend.


	17. Chapter 17

1**Chapter 17**

_Date: **Saturday, January 21, 1872 **Location: **Grayville/ Illinois**_

The house was quiet and for over two hours she hadn't heard any horse or wagon come by. Though she wasn't in any condition to go out and tend to the animals she knew it had to be done. So she slowly got up, her left hand supporting her lower back against the rising pain. Her belly didn't make it easy for her to move around but Sam either didn't notice or just didn't care.

Grabbing her coat she waded over to the door and made her way to the barn. It was dark inside, though the sun was casting everything outside in a bright light that made her assume the weather would get better soon. She lifted her hand against the rotten smell knowing it was the hay, needing to be changed. When she reached for the hay-fork her eyes caught something in the far corner. The object was small and covered with a cloth. Curiosity getting the better of her, she closed the small distance between her and the object and slowly lifted the cloth.

Her eyes fell on a lovely carved, small, blue crib. Dust had settled on it from years of standing there and she knew that it wasn't new. Tessa let her hand run over the smooth surface, marveling at the amazing work. An image appeared in her mind, made her see someone leaning over a crib and holding a small dove over it. Shaking her head against the flow of images she concentrated once again on the crib before her. There was a small emblem on the foot of the crib and leaning closer to get a better view she saw what it was.

"Alexander" She whispered, wondering what this was supposed to mean.

"What are you doing there?" The harsh voice made her jump to her feet, the pain immediately returning to her back and stomach.

"I was cleaning the barn, when I found this." She said wanting to know whose crib it was, yet at the same time fearing Sam's reaction. "Whose is it?"

"Don't act like you don't know!" He hissed. He quickly crossed the distance between them and his hand collided with her face.

Therese gasped and her hand shot up to cover her face. She wanted to turn around and leave the barn, flee the constricting walls around her, but Sam was faster and grabbed her arms harshly shaking her and yelling at her.

"Don't act as if you don't remember her. You killed her!" He screamed and threw her down in the hay. When she tried to get up again, he shoved her against one of the stables, making her sink down in pain.

"I don't, I don't..." She whispered fearfully, hoping he would let her be.

"You damn woman killed our baby!" He yelled again. He was furious and seemed to not longer be able to control his actions. Again and again his fists collided with her cheeks and arms, he threw her against the barn walls whenever she stood up and after several attempts to get out of there, the pain was overwhelming and made Tessa lay still on the ground.

"You killed your own daughter when I wasn't there..." He said his voice trailing off, his back to her now.

"I didn't know..." She whined quietly her eyes closed tightly.

"I checked on her and she was fine and then you killed her." Her head shot up. Didn't he just say he wasn't there?

"I shouldn't have left you alone with her all day!"

"When did you check on her?" She dared to ask, hoping she could somehow make sense of everything he was saying.

"I did not check on her...I was in town...She was sleeping fine then...I wasn't there...you were alone..." She stuttered, not knowing what he was saying anymore. "you pressed the pillow on her face...I saw it...I know...you killed her...wasn't me...you did it...they'll never know..." Fear clouded her features at his words. Reality hit her and made her mind race. She had to get away from here. He was a killer and he would kill her sooner or later. Her eyes flew back to the crib.

"Alexander" She murmured to herself quickly looking up to see if he had heard. He wasn't moving and his eyes were closed. Quietly she got to her feet and made her way over to the door. She hadn't counted on her difficulty to move and when he heard her feet shuffling on the ground and saw her quickly leaving the barn, he got up and ran after her.

She couldn't even walk down the yard before he caught up with her. Grabbing her arm violently he dragged her back to the shack, threw her down hard on the bed in the corner and tied her left hand to the bedpost.

"You aren't going anywhere unless I tell you to do so," he declared calmly, making her shudder with fear at the rage in his eyes. His hands reached for her belly. "And I won't tell you until this baby is born." He whispered in her ear, clicking his tongue. Glancing down at her belly and then back at her face, he gave her an evil smile before he walked out the door and rode into town to get a drink at the saloon.

_Date: **1873**_

"I love you."

He took her in his arms as she sighed. A gesture they had gotten used to long ago. She didn't return the words, hadn't done so in a long time.

"I know," she said instead.

She let him hold her and that was so much better than hearing it.

_Date: **Thursday, January 26, 1873 **Location: **Washington State**_

As he stepped off the train he was surprised to see the hustle and bustle around him. The town was small and he assumed that most of the people around him were just passing through or visiting. He quickly scanned the area for any sign of the sheriff's office.

"You need help, sir?" Came a muffled voice from behind him.

"I was looking for the sheriff's office," he replied glancing down at the cigar in the man's mouth in disgust.

"Just down the street, over there." The man pointed out a small building not more than a shack. Even Matthew's office was bigger than this.

Sully started down the street his eyes scanning the area. When he stepped into the office no one was there so he turned around and stood outside for a moment.

"You looking for someone?" A young woman came over to him and asked him in a cheery voice though watching him carefully.

"Actually I am. Therese Lloyd?" He asked unsure whether she was still known under that name or whether people would rather know her under her maiden name.

"Therese? You sure looking for her?" She eyed him warily.

"Yea, why? 's there something wrong?"

"Well, no...just not used to people looking for her." She answered lightly chuckling, as if having made a good joke. "You go down this street and then turn right. Third on the left and then the lovely, little house with the huge cherry tree in the front yard. Can't miss it!" Shrugging her shoulders the woman turned around and went back to where she came from. Sully stood looking after her for a little while, wondering what all this was about. There must be something about Therese Lloyd that everyone in town knew about. He could tell from the looks he was receiving after they had heard him ask for her. Frowning and shrugging his shoulders, he turned in the direction she had told him to go and started down the street at a rather fast pace. He was so close now, so close.

When he came around the last bend he could already see the tree that woman had been talking about. Since it was the middle of winter it looked kind of creepy, without any leaves or green. But Sully could imagine how it looked in Spring when it was in full blossom with the light rose and the beautiful light green mixed together. He remembered how Michaela had told him about a cherry tree in the backyard of her parents' house in Boston and how she loved the image of it when the petals where falling down and flowing away in the light breeze of the early morning. The look in her eyes and the expression on her face made him promise himself that he would pant a cherry tree in their own backyard, but his first attempt had failed miserably. He had planted it when she had returned to Boston with the thinking that her mother was gravely ill. Learning that she could heal her he thought she would like to be remembered of home. The drought had ruined his attempt to make her happy. The second tree had died when he was hiding from the army and couldn't tend to it. Since Michaela didn't know anything about it she couldn't take over the task. As soon as he would have her back, he vowed to himself, he would try another time and this time the tree would grow and blossom. And the petals would be flowing through the air in Sping and Sully would see that gleam in her eyes again.

Therese's house was a bright shade of yellow with green shutters and a green fence. Yes, it was indeed a lovely house. He knocked at the door prepared not to be welcome. Yet he knew his arguments for why he needed to talk to her couldn't be ignored. He took a deep breath when the door opened and the eyes of an elderly lady stared back at him.

"Sir?" She asked unsure.

"Hello, I was looking for Mrs. Lloyd." He answered holding his hand out for her.

"Mrs. Lloyd?" The woman turned her head and glanced inside, but remembering the man at the door quickly turned around again. "Why are you looking for her?"

"It's a long story. My wife's missing and I think Sam Lloyd may have something to do with it." He revealed the information he thought necessary to make the woman trust him.

"Well, you can come in, but I don't know if she'll talk to you." The door was opened wider letting Sully step in. The woman finally took his outstretched hand and shook it.

"My name's Sully." He nodded.

"I'm Eleonore, Therese's mother," she explained. "I'll see if she will come down."

Sully was left in the foyer for some time and used the chance to cast a look around the house. Everything was neat and he could clearly see that Eleonore took care of this house with love. Footsteps on the stairs made him turn around and he found himself facing a young woman. His mouth dropping open he continued to stare at her without saying anything. The resemblance to Michaela was undeniable.

"Mr Sully." Therese was standing in front of him and reached for his hand, but due to his shock he hadn't noticed, so he shook his head slightly and took her hand.

"It's just Sully. Good morning, I really appreciate your talking to me." He couldn't take his eyes from her. That hair, those lips...the fine delicate hands...only the eyes didn't match with Michaela's. They were both a mix between blue and green, but the same.

"Are you alright?" Eleonore asked when she set to cups of coffee down on the small table in the living room. She had noticed Sully's stares and wondered what was wrong. Obviously, he knew her daughter and he wondered where from.

"I'm sorry, it's just...your daughter looks so much like my wife, it's scary," he explained still not taking his eyes from Therese.

"So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?" Therese asked, slowly sipping at her coffee.

"Sam Lloyd." He said watching Therese's reaction. Her eyes immediately clouded over and flew to her mother's face. Her hands almost dropped the coffee cup so she set it down on the table, bringing her hands to her lap, furiously kneading them. Sully's eyes traveled to Eleonore as well, wondering what all this had do to with her. She intently watched her daughter, knowing how hard this was for her, but wishing her to talk about everything that had happened. This stranger needed help and her daughter was the only one who could provide it, probably helping herself in the process.

"Mother!" Therese said her eyes never leaning her mother's.

Understanding what her daughter wanted she quickly nodded and got up. "I'll give you some time to talk," she said, knowing that she probably wouldn't even want to hear what her daughter was going to say.

Sully watched the door close behind Eleonore and then turned his head back to Therese who had her eyes closed, taking slow and deep breaths.

"Mrs Lloyd, I understand if you..." He started seeing the difficulty she was having.

"Please, don't! Just Therese..." She quickly interrupted him. People had touched her as if she was going to break long enough. She knew. And this man deserved the truth.

"Alright." Sully nodded, sensing that her last name was something she'd rather forget.

"Sam was a kind man when I met him. I fell in love with him instantly. Much to the dismay of my family. I never quite understood what exactly made my mother not trust him, but given she was right in the end...We married quickly and since neither his family accepted me nor my family accepted him we saw the need to move. It tore me apart to leave my parents behind and I still feel guilty about not being here when my father died, but that's not what you're here to hear, right?"

Sully smiled at her, knowing she needed to tell this before telling everything else.

"I got pregnant shortly after the wedding and we both were anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child..." She stopped suddenly and her eyes bore into Sully's. "But we weren't for the same reason."

"What do you mean?"

"I had prayed for a child as had Sam, but he wanted a heir, a strong son to carry on his name...and that's all." She sniffled softly and Sully realized that she was crying.

"Therese, you don't have to go on if this is too hard for you," he lied, hoping she would continue, yet not sure whether he needed, wanted to hear more.

"Oh yes I do. He has done this before...I couldn't do anything then, but I can now. Your wife's in great danger, Sully. Sam is cruel. I didn't know at the time. Shortly before Christmas the daughter I had given birth to died. We all thought it was an accident. Well, I did. Sam seemed to believe I killed her. There even was a trial."

"Trial?" He wondered if she had been found guilty or not.

"Sam spoke against me and it took some time for me to realize that he was there when it happened. That he did it."

"What happened?"

"I fled from him. I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, couldn't bear the thought that I was married to the murderer of my daughter."

"There's more, isn't there?" Sully asked the shy lady. She immediately looked at him sensing that he was way deeper than he would admit to anyone. He was sensing the feeling of people around him. That was something she had never seen in any man before. He was right, there was more, but regarding the fact that his wife was in the hands of that devil, the devil she knew more than she ever wanted to know any devil, she wasn't sure that he should know what she wasn't telling him.

"Mr Sully, I understand that you want to know everything, but please believe me, there are some things, you don't want to know." Sully saw her eyes cloud over with cruel memory. What she wasn't telling was far more terrible than he was thinking. Therese wanted him to find his wife, to rescue her and bring her home safely, but she wasn't sure he would if he knew about everything. The men she knew wouldn't be interested in any woman anymore if things like these happened to them. She had to know. But there was something in him, the look of desperation in his eyes, the pleading gestures he used, but also the worry about her person that made her tell him.

"Mr Sully, these things aren't easy to take. I warn you that you'll want to forget them once you hear them."

"I have to know, please, Michaela is my heart song and I would do everything to save her."

"He's cruel. He was beating me for years even during my pregnancy. Please believe me, it is not easy for me to talk about this…" She had to take a deep breath before continuing, "He's a savage. He…he raped me for years. He doesn't care for anyone but himself. But he's not stupid. He knows how to get a woman and once she gives in to him he's expecting everything. How long did you say your wife was missing?"

"It should be almost 9 month by know…" He counted slowly.

"Then, I can most certainly say, that it's already too late…" She shook her head in dismay and at the same time because she felt so hopeless and sorry for this man.

"Please go after her! We had a house in Grayville. It was an old shack, I can show you on a map. Please, don't give up, save what's left to save…and I would appreciate if you'd let me know how things went?" Sully knew it was important for her so he nodded though he was eager to leave and go after his wife and her kidnapper.

Therese quickly got a map and pointed the small town she had mentioned out to him, wishing that they'd be there, not knowing where else to look. Sully hugged her tightly and after saying good-bye left her in the living room and went out the door. He just wanted to turn around the corner when he heard footsteps behind him. Turning around he was surprised to see Eleonore.

"Sully?" She asked out of breath from running after him.

"What is it?" He asked, noticing that he had laid her hand on his arm.

"Please, go and find her. Don't let him do the same to your wife. Just find her!" She begged.

Sully sensed the fear and desperation in her voice and nodded. "Nothing can keep me from that."

With those assuring words Eleonore turned around and ran back to her house. Sully took a deep breath and then made his way back to the train station. He would have to get word to Colorado Springs and buy a ticket to Grayville.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**_February 5th, 1873_**

The train to Grayville was slowly rolling along not many passengers using it. It was early afternoon and it wouldn't take too much longer until Sully would reach his destination. He didn't know if he was more anxious or more dreading what he would find; if he would find anything. His heart was beating fast as if telling him to hurry up and his eyes were glued to the landscape he was passing by. Slowly he closed his eyes and tried to imagine what he would say. Somehow he couldn't find any words. He would have to wait and somehow he knew that the words would come when he would stand face to face with her.

He snapped out of his revery when the train pulled into a train station. The sight before his eyes changed suddenly and he recognized the name of the town he was in now. Grayville. He was finally there. The paper was still folded in his hands. He had been reading it again and again during the last hours of this leg of the journey. He could tell by heart what was written on it, but he needed to read it over and over again.

Quickly he gathered his few things together and stepped off the train as it pulled to a halt. His eyes wandered around searching for anyone who could help him with his search. Seeing an old man sitting on a bench he decided to ask him.

"Excuse me, Sir." the man slowly looked up, his pipe in his trembling hand.

"I was looking for a family Lloyd. Do you know them?" Sully decided not to ask for Therese only, for not arousing unwanted attention. It was much less suspicious if he was looking for the whole family.

"Gotta ask that sheriff there," the man pointed to the sheriffs office, "knows ev'ryone 'round here." With that the old man turned his attention back to the streets.

Sully thanked him and made his way over to the office.

* * *

"Sam?" 

"What?" he replied harshly, distracted by his reading.

"Could you make me some tea?" She asked slowly not wanting to make him angry.

"Make it yourself." He didn't look up at her.

"But I can't." Her eyes wandered to the ropes he had tied around her right wrist to keep her from running.

Finally he glared at her with a mocking smile on his lips. "Well, that's to bad, isn't it?"

"Please Sam, my throat is a little bit sore."

Standing up and throwing his paper on the table he came over to her, his hand meeting her cheekbone hard. "Shut up, woman."

Her left hand flew to her cheek, her eyes opening in shock, though she had gotten used to his outbursts in the last weeks. Her cheek was burning and the tears slowly made their way down her face. Sam had returned to the table but when he head her soft sniffling he returned to her. Shaking her shoulders he screamed at her.

"Shut the fuck up, you goddam unworthy creature." He was shaking her hard and when he finally let go of her i was only so that his hands could beat her again and again. She closed her eyes, so she wouldn't see his hands. She winced at every contact and her left hand was holding her belly protectively. As he noticed this he quickly took it away and grabbed her belly painfully. "This...is my child. I will do with it whatever I want. And dare you not giving birth to another girl, or do you want it to end up the same as your last daughter?" With that he threw he back down on the bed, grabbed his coat and left the house.

Tessa wept heart-wrenchingly and looked at the closed door, relieved that he had left, yet fearing the night, when he would be back. The pain that shot through her lower back made her moan loudly. This couldn't happen. She didn't know how, but she knew what this meant. Breathing deeply she tried to suppress the pain. After some time it passed and she lay back down on the pillow.

* * *

"Afternoon, Sir" Sully stepped into the office and greeted the old sheriff. He was almost older than the man at the station, but Sully trusted him to know everyone around this town. 

"Afternoon, what can I do for you?" The sheriff asked politely.

"I'm looking for a family Lloyd and I was told they are living here now. Do you happen to know them?"

"Sure do. Returned just several weeks ago. Sam's gotta be in town later, always is in the evening. This wife of him though. Never seen her since they arrived. Says she's shy, but I think she's just thinking she's something better. Hasn't done her any good going away." The sheriff shook his head in dismay and sympathy for Sam. "If you want to see them know I can show you where they live. It's a bit far out of town."

"Thank you." He stayed so that the sheriff could show him on a small map where the house was situated. He paid attention and tried to remember the way as well as possible. Asking where he could get a horse he left the office.

Just minutes later Sully was sitting on a horse and rode out of town in the direction the sheriff had shown him on the map. When he passed by the saloon he heard someone laugh loudly and quickly glanced inside slowing his horse somewhat down. He immediately recognized Sam Lloyd sitting in one corner, lifting his glass to several other men. His initial desire was to get in there and beat this man up, but he thought better of it knowing that IF Michaela as with this man, she was momentarily out of danger. So he quickly left town and tried to find his way to the Lloyds' home.

When he reached a fork in the road he couldn't remember in what direction to turn so he had to stop. As hard as he tried to remember he couldn't, so he decided to take a rest. Jumping down from his horse he sat down in the grass and took out his food. As soon as he took the first bite he had the impression as if someone had called his name. But the sound was so distant and low that he thought he had imagined it.

* * *

"Sully..." she moaned. She didn't know why it was his name that came to her mind, but it was the only name she could remember right now. And she didn't care. Her whole body hurt and the contractions were getting worse and closer together. She knew somehow that she hadn't much time left. 

She got scared when she felt the sudden wetness on her tights. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't move from the bed. She couldn't do anything and she was alone. Sam wouldn't be back until late at night or early morning.

"SULLY" she screamed as another contraction hit her heard and fear overtook her, "Please help me, please..."

* * *

"SULLY" There, he heard it again. This time he packed his food away and jumped to his feet. This was no imagination. He could feel her, hear her. Suddenly he knew exactly which way to turn, so he jumped back onto his horse and made his way along the road, not looking back, driving his horse as fast as it would carry him. 


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Soon a small shack appeared in his sight and Sully wasn't sure how to take this. This stood in total contrast to that huge house in Portland and for an instant he was not sure if he had taken the right turn. But a scream soon pulled him out of his thoughts. He knew that scream, he had heard it before. He jumped down from his horse and ran for the shack. Bolting in through the door he had to get used to the dark first, but following the moans he soon found the bed. There he saw his Michaela, drenched in sweat, one hand tied to the bedpost. When his eyes had adjusted to the dim light he noticed her left hand at her abdomen and her face distorted in pain.

"Michaela" he whispered and slowly reached his hand out to her.

"NO" she flinched back, not opening her eyes, fearing Sam had come back.

"Michaela...oh my God...look at me, 'Chaela." He did not dare try to touch her again of fear she would flinch again. He could not bear her flinching back from him, being scared of him.

When the next contraction hit her full force she grabbed the hand that was now lying next to her on the bed. Her body doubled up in pain and her hand held on to Sully's as hard as it possibly could. Sully knew better than to say or do anything now, so he waited for the contraction to pass. When she slowly relaxed somewhat he smoothed the hair back from her forehead and whispered low.

"'Chaela, open your eyes. It's me. Please."

She felt the soft touch and couldn't remember the last time she had been touched in this way. She heard the soft whisper and couldn't remember the last time she was spoken to in such a manner. She did not dare open her eyes not wanting that fantasy to vanish. But when the soft voice didn't stop, when the feather-light touches didn't halter, she opened her eyes just a slit. Her eyes didn't need any accommodation to the darkness, since she hadn't seen the unfiltered sunlight in days, or had it been weeks?

She gasped at the sight before her. His hair, his eyes, his whole face, his body, his touch, his voice, everything was there. Just everything. Could a dream be so vivid? Her eyes opened wide in shock at what she saw. He was here. He was here. He was here. She swallowed hard. "Sully?" she whispered low not trusting her eyes or her mind for that matter.

"Yes, Michaela, it's me...oh my God, yes. It's me." His face lit up and she felt as if she had just told him something wonderful, as if she had told him of a miracle. There was a gleam all over his face and he quickly leaned over her, took her in his arms.

"I found you, I have you back. You're here now with me. I'll never let you go again. I promise." Tears made his way down his cheeks and he didn't care holding them back or wiping them away. He had found her, he had finally found her.

But the seriousness of the situation finally hit him when she again moaned in pain and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, Sully. I'm sorry." she whispered through the pain looking at his crystal blue eyes. She needed him to forgive her.

"Nothing you gotta be sorry for." he replied.

"Please, Sully, I need to know. I am sorry, please, forgive me, please." she pleaded. Accepting that she wouldn't stop apologizing until he told her he forgave her, he just nodded.

"It's alright, I forgive you. We're gonna be alright. But now you gotta breathe." He needed her to concentrate on her labour now. He didn't know what exactly had happened to her, but there was time for that later. Now they had to get through this. They would manage everything that would come afterwards.

"No, it's too early...too early." She said through gritted teeth.

"How much?"

"3 months" her body wouldn't relax this time. "I think I need to push, Sully."

"I don't know what to do." He answered honestly.

"My hand." She turned her head in the direction of her right hand.

"Oh my, of course..." Quickly he loosened the rope around her wrist and freed her hand. She immediately used both hands to sit somewhat up, drawing her legs up. Her hands held her knees as she sucked in the air.

"Sully, you need to...you need to..." she couldn't finish as the pain got too intense, but Sully understood what she wanted. He had done it during Katie's birth. He quickly got around the bed to check how far she was dilated.

"I'll need to take that off." He said softly, asking her permission to take her pantaloons off. Waiting for her slight nod, he softly undressed the lower part of her body to check on her. Seeing that she seemed fully dilated, he laid his hands over hers on her knees and indicated with a nod and a sincere look into her eyes, that it was alright to push.

"It's gonna be alright." With his words she pushed hard for several seconds only stopping to take a deep breath. When the contraction passed she lay back on the pillow.

"The baby's not going to make it." She whispered tearfully, fearing and knowing the worst.

"Shhh...you're gonna make it." He couldn't say anything else. He couldn't calm her down. So they waited for the next contraction, the only sound now, Michaela's soft crying.

Another contraction passed, letting her push harder than before, and another after that.

"I can see the head." Sully finally cried. He laid his where she had instructed him to lay it at Katie's birth, letting the small head slip out and into his hand. Helping the small body out, he laid it down on the soft bed and searched for anything to cut the umbilical cord. His eyes roamed the shack until they settled on the kitchen table. There lay some scissors. Quickly getting up to get them he returned to Michaela's side and cut the umbilical cord. The baby lived but the swallow breathing indicated its weakness. It didn't even make a sound. Carefully he laid it down in Michaela's arms.

"It's a girl." She hushed softly, the tears falling from her eyes onto the small, weak body. Her fingers travelled the perfect little face, the soft skin of these cheeks, this almost transparent skin. Her fingers were like the wings of a butterfly fearing to tear this delicate skin, those delicate fingers. The small chest rose and sunk heavily with each shallow breath the little girl took. When Michaela laid her little finger in the palm of this perfect creature, the small hand closed around it nearly imperceptible. Sully slowly and carefully crept up to Michaela's side so he could have a look at this little newborn. His hand automatically came up to caress the small head, marvelling at the perfectly pronounced yet way too little features. He didn't know what to say. So he just stared at the baby and at Michaela's hand, travelling over its body. His eyes searched her face for any sign of what to say, what to do. But she seemed so absent-minded. The tears were flowing freely but there was a glow in her eyes.

"What can we do?" He dared to ask.

"Nothing, just wait." She shook her head slowly, sadly. Then her eyes met his. "Are you really here?"

"Yes, I am." He willed all the sincerity he possessed into his words and leaned forward to softly meet her lips with his. She froze, not knowing what to do. But when she felt the soft warmth, the memories all came flooding back, all the dreams she was having during those months, they were real. They had to be real.

"I really wish you were..." her voice trailed off as she gave in to her dream. She needed him, she needed this. She wanted this. And just for this moment she didn't care if he was real or not, she wasn't alone now and that was all that mattered for her. It was not important anymore if her mind was making up those fairy tales for her. She would rather live a lie in her fairy tales with Sully than the truth in reality with Sam.

Sully's confused gaze was glued to her face that carried an angelic smile. She seemed so satisfied yet at the same time so full of doubt and sadness. Her eyes left his face and made their way to her newborn daughter. She lay still in her mother's arms. Her eyes were closed and the rising and falling of the little chest was barely visible in contrast to the beating heart. Michaela could see the small heart pounding beneath the tiny rib cage, fighting to hold on. But it was too weak to keep this little life.

When she lifted her head to look at Sully, something in the corner of the room caught her attention. There stood her father, each hand grasping the small hand of a boy and a girl. She immediately recognized the boy as the one she had been seeing all along. But she didn't know the girl. Yet she knew it was her little girl, and looking back down her assumption was confirmed. She could no longer make out the heartbeat of the tiny human being in her arms. Sully followed her gaze seeing that the little girl had left them for good. When she stared back in the corner Sully turned around and gasped in shock. He too could see the three figures standing there. He had never met Michaela's father but knew from pictures what he looked like. There was no doubt about it being him. Sully also knew the boy, as he had also been seeing him all this time, and he wasn't left in any doubt that the girl was the one Michaela had just delivered.

"Daddy." the boy started.

"What are you doing here?" Michaela stepped in.

"You know him?" Sully was confused.

"Of course I know him," she told Sully, then turned her attention to her father, "Father?"

"My Mike...", he said softly, "don't be scared. Everything will be alright. These little ones will come with me."

"Daddy," the boy started again, "I've been waiting for you. I just needed to make sure, you're getting to Mommy." He smiled, relieved to finally see his parents together. "I love you both. I can go now." he whispered.

Looking at his little sister he continued. "Mommy, she loves you," A smile appeared upon her face. Then looking at Sully he continued, "She wishes you were her Daddy."

"I would," Sully said hastily, afraid that they would disappear any moment, "I would be your Daddy if I could."

Michaela broke into tears at the emotional scene before her and the distress she had just gone through. She couldn't bear seeing her children taken from her.

"Don't worry about us, Mommy. We will be safe with grandpa." Looking up he smiled at his grand-father. Josef Quinn nodded at him and then at Michaela.

"Mike, my Mike," his low voice echoed in the room and in her mind, "I will look after them for you. We will be waiting for you. I love you and I'm proud of you, don't you dare ever forget that!" he said with the smile of a loving father before looking at his grandchildren and slowly disappearing with them.

"Father!" she shouted, "FATHER, don't go!" When it didn't work she cried, "Daddy, no Daddy, DADDY, Don't leave me. Don't leave me again. No. Please...don't go..."She sat up, the pain clearly written on her face, but when he was gone and the room was empty again, she fell back against the pillow.

She did not move and when Sully removed his gaze from the corner of the room to look at her, she suddenly remembered the girl. She did not look like him at all, how could she? But she didn't have much of her mother's looks either. But in her eyes she had seen herself. The girl was nothing like her father inside. And now her father couldn't hurt her anymore. Michaela knew she was going to get the best kind of love she could possibly get, if she couldn't be with Sully and her. She was going to get Josef's love, her grandpa's love.

Slowly she became aware of the weight on her left arm and when she looked down she saw her. Her daughter. She seemed so peaceful, so unhurt. Her little cheeks were still rosy and warm and her small, soft fingers still clutched Michaela's finger, as if afraid to let go. She was sleeping so deep, so peaceful, that she didn't even need to breathe.

A single tear escaped Michaela's eye and she whispered low, "She didn't speak. I couldn't hear her voice, she didn't speak." Her voice trailed off as she broke into tears and collapsed in her real husband's arms.

Sully let her cry forcing back his own tears, feeling the need to be strong for her know. He would have time to cry later. He would have time to ask his questions and sort out his feelings later. Now she needed him. He wouldn't even dare imagine what had happened to her while she was away from him. For the moment he only enjoyed Michaela's presence and her closeness. So he just held her until her crying and sobbing abated to soft sobs, when suddenly the door of the shack opened with a loud bang.


End file.
